TrampBlog: The Official Blog of The Great Chernesky

A New Year, same old set of problems

2012-01-03T16:52:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess it's a new year and I have't posted here in a while, so here goes.

So, uh, recently The Great and I played a secret holiday house show. This was pretty Great (pun intended, see what I did there?) as we were able to wow the crowd with a holiday take on the old tramp hymns. I was being my normal charming self, by drinking to excess, and apparently it turned a few women on. I was approached (which normally doesn't happen). We ended up chatting the rest of the night, and as the party drew to a close, she wanted to grab some food. This is where things get a little hazy. The Great and I had picked up a couple of flasks of "bootlagger" liquor and I believe that is what is responsible for what happened next. Short story long, I blacked out. And to my surprise, I was functional enough to maintain my charm, order food, and most importantly not get picked up by the cops. She must have been very adamant about getting my number, because I woke up with a killer hangover and a text from her that said "Here's my number, you better use it often!"

So we went back and forth talking, texting or whatever it is people do these days with technology. I thought things were looking up for my love life that has realistically been pretty dry since Jenny. The main setback with said girl was that she lived about forty minutes away so it wasn't as if I could make a quick jaunt over to her and show her more of the charming, intoxicated High 'n Dry.

So the new year comes and goes, and I am checking the facebooks and I notice that she has recently updated her relationship status from single to taken. What the heck! It surely couldn't have been me, I wasn't consulted on this matter. I racked my brain, and did my best to stalk the internets. I have come up with one suspect in this case. And it terrifies me that he is getting to these women before I can even have any sort of relationship with them. That's right folks. It all adds up and points to one man's MO. That rat bastard Privilege is back.

NFL Predictions - Week 11

2011-11-20T13:03:00.000-05:00

Just like an NFL football team, I took a bye week last week. I didn't have access to a computer. But now I'm back, so strap in.

BALTIMORE over Cincy
Want to talk about snake bitten? That's the Ravens right now. After losing to the She-hawks, they may be coming out with a message at home.

CLEVELAND over Jacksonville
What a garbage match. I will take the Brownies at home.

DETROIT over Carolina
I fully expect some exciting plays from both offenses here. I just expect more from Detroit.

GREEN BAY over Tampa Bay
I want so badly to pick the Bucs. This is the type of upset I love: best team in the league coming off a huge win and short week. The Bucs are just too banged up and don't know how to even phone it in on the road. Against the Packers, that won't last a minute. I'll be hitting myself in the morning if Tampa pulls this one out.

Oakland over MINNESOTA
This could actually be a good game. I just think the Vikings are hung over on the short week from the pounding they took Monday night.

Dallas over WASHINGTON
The Cowboys are probably still flying high from last weekend. Ugh.

SAN FRANCISCO over Arizona
I don't know how, but the Niners are good this season. Even with a limited Frank Gore I believe they can do it.

ST. LOUIS over Seattle
Even though it comes out of the NFC West, which is the true wild care in the NFL, this is your upset of the week. I don't think Seattle is consistent enough to go from wailing on the Ravens to actually playing again against a division rival.

ATLANTA over Tennessee
The Falcons need to get some more wins this season.

San Diego over CHICAGO
I'm dialing up another upset here. Because I can.

NEW YORK GIANTS over Philly
Even after coming out flat against the 49ers last weekend, I think the Giants have what it takes to beat out the Eagles today.

NEW ENGLAND over Kansas City
Yep.

NFL Predictions - Week 9

2011-11-06T09:47:00.000-05:00

DALLAS over Seattle

HOUSTON over Cleveland

Atlanta over INDY

KANSAS CITY over Miami

NEW ORLEANS over Tampa Bay

San Francisco over WASHINGTON

OAKLAND over Denver

TENNESSEE over Cincy

ARIZONA over St. Louis

NEW ENGLAND over New York

Green Bay over SAN DIEGO

PITTSBURGH over Baltimore

Chicago over PHILLY

NFL Predictions - Week 8

2011-10-30T13:03:00.001-04:00

Cumulative Record: 67-30

BALTIMORE over Arizona
Well the Ravens are probably still feeling the sting of the MNF loss to...the Jaguars. Statement win time.

CAROLINA over Minnesota
I really like Ponder, but he's second fiddle as far as rookie QB's on the field today. I expect a big day from Cam Newton against a non-existent Vikings secondary.

HOUSTON over Jacksonville
The Jaguars are probably patting themselves on the back, wasting more time on their short week. The Texans have been waiting.

NEW YORK GIANTS over Miami
Well my last ounce of faith in the Dolphins evaporated into the ether after watching them give Te-bro the game last week.

New Orleans over ST. LOUIS
I know I say this all the time, but...There really is nothing to see here.

TENNESSEE over Indy
I just have one question for the Colts--to quote Ludacris, "How low can you go?"

Detroit over DENVER
Speaking of teams patting themselves on the back, Te-bro's southpaw is probably all worn out from a week of stroking himself over his all things considered unimpressive comeback over the Dolphins.

New England over PITTSBURGH
Everyone knows the Patriots coming off a bye week aren't a team you want to be matched up against.

Cincy over SEATTLE
Why the hell not?

SAN FRANCISCO over Cleveland
Everyone's pretty high on the 49ers. I don't think they have what it takes to be a real threat in the NFC, but they could easily win their division. P.S. they're playing the Browns so it doesn't matter.

PHILLY over Dallas
Here's my upset of the week. I'm not even sure if it's an upset or not. I have to pick Philly as a homage to my hype-man High 'n Dry Philly Phillips.

San Diego over KANSAS CITY
Who would have seen the Chiefs blanking the Raiders last week? Well the Bolts are probably all sorts of fired up from some questionable ref-work last week that handed the Jets the game.

Take It

2011-10-24T17:03:00.001-04:00

I started a cool new trend today, and I figured I'd share it with all you Tramps. Within a year you'll probably start hearing this phrase, and no doubt, will wonder where it started. Well it was yours truly, The Great.

You are probably familiar with people saying to "Take it easy" or even the ever-popular "Take it sleazy" when saying goodbye to someone. Well I've started just saying "Take it".

That's it. You just say "Take it." Let the person's mind fill in how they should take it, because ultimately it is up to them as to how they will take the rest of the day. So feel free to use it.

Take it, Tramps.

NFL Predicitions - Week 7

2011-10-23T11:44:00.000-04:00

Well the Bills have the week off, so I get a break from my Sunday coronary.

Cumulative Record: 60-24

CAROLINA over Washington
Can John Beck be worse than Rex Grossman? I sure think he can this week. The Panthers have flirted with winning for weeks, even against the Saints, I finally thing they hang a W on the Redskins today.

CLEVELAND over Seattle
How many times can the She-hawks come East and stun a team at 1:00? Now to be honest, beating the 2-3 Browns wouldn't really be stunning, but I think Seattle's luck has run out. Cleveland is all sorts of beat-up, but they have a tendency to drag teams down to their level at home.

DETROIT over Atlanta
I wrote out a whole diatribe about how the Falcons were going to pull the upset. But can the Lions drop two straight at home? I ain't getting fooled no more.

MIAMI over Denver
Tebow-shmebow. The Dolphins have to win at some point...right?

San Diego over NEW YORK JETS
This is one of my famous wishful thinking picks. I want to see the Jets go down. New York has the defense, but San Diego can pull out big plays on offense. No one knows what the Jets are doing on offense--probably not even the Jets.

TAMPA BAY over Chicago
Though the Bucs are in caps, this game's in London so no one is really a home team.

Houston over TENNESSEE
Some bitter losses this season and the Texans are going to have to fight to win the AFC South. Today is a statement game for them on the road.

Pittsburgh over ARIZONA
Hey, remember that lopsided Super Bowl from a few years ago? We get to relive it today. Lucky us. This should be even less competitive than that game.

OAKLAND over Kansas City
I think the Raiders will win in spite of the rust monster version of Carson Palmer that will take the field today.

DALLAS over St. Louis
When it rains, it pours for the Rams. They go from getting shellacked by the Packers to traveling into Dallas.

Green Bay over MINNESOTA
It seems like there is no end to the rookie rude awakenings this season. Christian Ponder, meet the hell that is the Packers defense you will be seeing twice this year. Try not to get killed out there.

NEW ORLEANS over Indy
Hey another recent Super Bowl match-up. New Orleans won't need to attempt any on-side kicks to squeak this one out though. They should dictate this game from the first snap.

Baltimore over JACKSONVILLE
I'm going to have to find something else to do Monday night, because this is basically unwatchable.

My Interview with High 'n Dry Philly Phillips

2011-10-21T11:22:00.000-04:00

As you may have read from his pissin' and moanin' on this blog last week, High 'n Dry was hoping to get an interview seeing as he is the associate of a celebrity and was recently apprehended by the police. Well obviously no one bit, so I did the honors myself.

NFL Predictions - Week 6

2011-10-16T12:12:00.000-04:00

Cumulative Record: 51-21

ATLANTA over Carolina
If the Falcons plan on righting the ship, this would be the week to do it.

CINCINNATI over Indy
Of these two teams, the Bengals definitely have more offensive spark right now.

DETROIT over San Francisco
I wanted to pick San Fran here, but with Josh Morgan on the IR and Crabtree and Ginn banged up, I'm not really sure who they're going to throw to. And it will be a shoot-out in Detroit.

GREEN BAY over St. Louis
Nothing to see here, folks. The Packers will wipe the floor with the Rams.

PITTSBURGH over Jacksonville
Blaine Gabbert's introduction to the NFL gets even worse as he is staring down the Steelers defense.

Philly over WASHINGTON
Sure the Dream Team has fallen from grace, but they will still play gritty in divisional match-ups. I expect them to pull out a win over a rested Redskins team.

BALTIMORE over Houston
Houston is staring down the hardest match-up of the rest of their season. If they can beat the Ravens today, they're almost a shoe-in for the playoffs. The problem is that I don't see that happening against a very solid Baltimore team coming off a bye week.

OAKLAND over Cleveland
I'm still not sold that Oakland is playing amazing football. They are playing physical football and winning some games, but I don't think they're built for the long haul. They will play good enough football to handle the Browns today though.

NEW ENGLAND over Dallas
The Cowboys could give them a run for their money, but I don't think the Pats will lose in Foxboro.

New Orleans over TAMPA BAY
Normally I would pick the upset here, but it's hard for any team to come back from getting mowed down by the 49ers only to face the Saints.

Minnesota over CHICAGO
Here it is everybody, your upset special of the week. Vikings over Bears? Why the hell not.

NEW YORK JETS over Miami
The Jets need a win badly, and will dig in at home over the Dolphins.

NFL Predictions - Week 5

2011-10-09T11:01:00.000-04:00

Cumulative Record: 42-18

New Orleans over CAROLINA
Everyone knows the Panthers are up-and-coming, but they're a ways off from contending with the Saints.

HOUSTON over Oakland
With the passing of Al "You Can Call Me Al" Davis, I really wanted to give the win to Oakland. Things like that can really fire up a team, but in the case of the Raiders it may provide the opposite motivation.

Kansas City over INDY
The Colts are pretty beat up, I think they'll roll over at home.

Cincy over JACKSONVILLE
A.J. Green should have a big day against the Jags.

MINNESOTA over Arizona
I've been burned by the Vikings several times this year, this is their last shot.

NEW YORK GIANTS over Seattle
It's a good week to be a Giants fan.

Tennessee over PITTSBURGH
The Steelers are showing their age. They're banged up badly by Week 5.

SAN FRANCISCO over Tampa Bay
Don't confuse this with the 49ers being legit. They just have a knack for dragging teams down slightly below their level.

San Diego over DENVER
Ahhh I remember how the AFC West works now.

NEW ENGLAND over New York Jets
Remember how I say "Sink, Miami, Sink". Well I also say "Stink, Jets, Stink". Watch them continue to slide as they go into Foxboro.

Green Bay over ATLANTA
This will be a very good game. I could see the Falcons with the upset here.

DETROIT over Chicago
How long can the Lions keep winning?

Time to clear the air about my alleged arrest

2011-10-03T16:48:00.001-04:00

So, uh, hey guys. I know it has been a time since I have posted on this dang thing, but in case you were not aware, I was kind of tied up with the law. Thanks to our booking agent, Francis, he was able to get the best lawyers his Boston Jew money could buy to wipe my record clean as a whistle. Now the cops allegedly picked me up for what they deemed was "vagrancy" and "public intoxication." But that is neither here, nor there. So what if The Great and I drank nothing but whiskey, wine, and beer that day. Any outsider looking in would say that alcohol was the cause for my alleged arrest. But I want to set the record straight. Alcohol was NOT and never has been the problem. No, the problem this time is with a certain gentleman. Now some of you that know my back story are thinking "Oh gee, not another story about how Privilege dicked over Philly." Actually this story is about how a certain front man to a band called Fuzzintimes, created a serious paranoia that led to my alleged arrest. This goes back a couple of months when The Great and I were doing a tour of the North country. One of our stops was at this dive in Potsdam where we were on the bill with a local jam band known as Fuzzintimes. Now during setup we were approached by an overly enthusiastic gentleman who we will call, Dan. Dan wanted to know if he could help out in any way, but The Great denied his request, because he didn't want Dan to take away what few responsibilities I had. After finally getting set up, I had to rock quite the piss. So I end up going into what I soon found out was the nastiest bathroom I had ever been in. There were no urinals. None. Nadda. Just a wooden trough that we were just supposed to piss into. I was kind of uncomfortable with such little privacy, and in my deep concentration to get my piss flowing, I hadn't noticed someone had followed me in. "That's, uh, a nice dick ya got there," I heard from behind me. Startled, I turned around, and who was it? Dan. For the next few moments Dan and I were locked in battle. He kept trying to touch my dick, and I kept fighting off his advances. At one point he even grabbed my hand and tried to make me touch my own dick. Finally I was able to break free, zip up, and leave the bathroom in a hurry. Now what does this have to do with my alleged arrest you are wondering? Well fast forward to the night of the alleged arrest, and The Great and I were at a bar. Having to rock a piss, I went into the bathroom, but noticed that someone had followed me in. It was dark and I couldn't see who it was. I had to assume it was Dan. I fled the bathroom, but still having to pee, decided to go across the street from the bar, to a more public bathroom. The town fountain. Yes I avoided getting my dick touched by peeing into a fountain. And after that curled up on a park bench were I was later found by the cops. So you see, it wasn't alcohol that was the problem. No it was Dan. The dick toucher. Thanks to him I can never pee without the fear of him or someone else trying to touch my dick. This is a serious fear that I will probably carry with me the rest of my life, because I am too poor to see one of them doctors that could fix it. Psychotherapists I think they are called.

-H n D

NFL Predictions Week 4

2011-10-02T12:27:00.000-04:00

Cumulative on season: 31-14.

CHICAGO over Carolina
The Bears have more to lose this season than the Panthers. After getting spanked at home last week by the Packers, I expect them to come out stronger in this matchup.

Tennessee over CLEVELAND
Could we wake up tomorrow in a world in which the Browns are 3-1? We certainly could, which is scary. I am pulling for the Titans to add a dash of reality back to football.

DALLAS over Detroit
Grab your kids, here is your upset special of the week. It feels so strange to be picking the Cowboys as an upset over the Lions, I'm pretty sure it's the first time this has happened in my lifetime. The Cowboys are pretty darn beat up, but that only adds to the "upset factor". Everyone was so quick to forget that Lions spotted Minnesota twenty points last week on the road. If they keep that up, they'll get burned sooner rather than later.

HOUSTON over Pittsburgh
I'm not really confident in the Steelers as of right now. They may be 2-1 but they beat down on a hapless Seahawks team, and eked out a win over the Colts last week. We'll see how they play a talented team on the road. In the meanwhile, the Texans have been the whipping boy of the league after blowing a sizable lead to the Saints last week. Maybe that could be motivation to play some football.

New Orleans over JACKSONVILLE
Thank you, oh Football Schedulers, for this gimme.

Minnesota over KANSAS CITY
I guess this game will be the true litmus test for how much the Vikings will suck this year. If they can't finish a game against the Chiefs, then they have stooped to a new level of suckery.

PHILLY over San Francisco
It's a long way to travel for a 49ers team that still can't produce on offense. The last two weeks have been hard on the Eagles and this should be their chance to try to right the ship.

Washington over ST. LOUIS
Dare I tempt fate and pick the Redskins over the Rams? The last two seasons I have successfully picked the Rams to upset the Redskins at home (don't bother looking it up). However perhaps the pendulum has swung the other way. Things have not been looking good at all in St. Louis and for some reason Washington has stayed in games.

New York Giants over ARIZONA
Well the Cardinals are slightly worse than I thought after losing to the Seahawks. But then again I didn't have very grand expectations of them. It's like saying you're disappointed your drug addict cousin kept rubbing his nipples on the dance floor at your wedding. You kind of know what you signed up for on that one. If you have any Giants on your fantasy football team, this might be the week to start them. I know I'm starting Bradshaw.

Atlanta over SEATTLE
This should be just what the doctor ordered for a team who couldn't put up two full scores in Tampa Bay last week.

GREEN BAY over Denver
Nothing to see here, folks. This matchup may have been competitive in Madden for N64, but not today. I wonder if Tim Tebow ever even played N64...

New England over OAKLAND
As much as I would like to, you can't keep the Patriots down for long. Sure, the Raiders took care of the Jets last week, but New York is a run-based offense and Oakland is built to contain that. If you haven't somehow noticed, the Patriots tend to pass the ball. They will find success doing just that against a lackluster Raiders secondary.

SAN DIEGO over Miami
Sink, Miami, sink. Make sure to turn on the sub-pump because you're going to be spending this season in the basement of the AFC East.

BALTIMORE over New York Jets
The old adage applies--close games go to the home team. Baltimore seems to be a more balanced team than the Jets.

TAMPA BAY over Indy
Curtis Painter? This is where you are, Indianapolis. Just do yourself a favor and bottom-out already. I am betting the NFL is kicking themselves for scheduling the Colts for so many early primetime games. Last Sunday night and now a MNF? Ugh.

NFL Predictions - Week 3

2011-09-25T10:15:00.000-04:00

Cumulative Record: 20-10

CAROLINA over Jacksonville
Well the Cam Newton bandwagon is in full gear. Eventually passing for four hundred yards will equate to a win. Jacksonville is just the team to hand them that gimme. The Jags are starting a rookie quarterback, and it's pretty clear that even at 1-1 they're ready to pack it in.

San Francisco over CINCY
I hate picking West Coast teams for early games, but the 49ers hung tight with the Cowboys last week. I see Cincy having more upside with Dalton and AJ Green, but as a team they can't get out of their own way. Earlier this week it came to light that two Bengals are going to be arrested on marijuana charges. We all should have known that Carson Palmer refusing to play wasn't going to be the most embarrassing thing in Cincinnati this season. Even the drug bust probably won't be by the season's end.

Miami over CLEVELAND
After two hard losses, I think the Dolphins have something to prove. Tony Sparano does at least. This is a winnable game for Miami on the road and they have too much talent to not contend against the Browns.

Detroit over MINNESOTA
I think I read somewhere that the Lions haven't won in Minnesota since something like 1997. Well if there's ever a time to reverse that, this would be it. I know McNabb is itching to right the ship for the Vikings, but Detroit are hot enough right now to hold them off.

NEW ORLEANS over Houston
The Texans have started off strong, but today they will most likely meet their match in New Orleans. This should be a good game between this Southern dome teams, but in the end I think the Saints have the talent to go the distance. In a shoot-out Brees beats Schaub.

PHILLY over New York Giants
The "Dream Team" should be sore after losing to/getting head-butted by the Falcons Sunday night. Alright only one of them got head-butted, but still. They should come out swinging at home taking care of a start-and-stop Giants. I wonder how many self-inflicted concussions Philly will have in the process...

TENNESSEE over Denver
There is good news for the Broncos this week. Since they will be on the road, there should be no one to shout "Tebowwwwwww" as they lose.

New York Jets over OAKLAND
Remember when I watched in person as the Bills took care of the Raiders late? I do. And I'm sure the Raiders fans around me do as well. I was sitting right behind the end zone David Nelson caught the game winner in. HEYYYYYY YAWWWWWWW. Well the news gets worse for Oakland. The Jets are coming to town. The Raiders ain't dealing with AFC West peons these days, they need to learn how to play against AFC East clubs, because they're going to be facing them all this season. And it will be a long season at that for them.

SAN DIEGO over Kansas City
Well after one season of making it interesting, everything has returned back to normal out in the West. I can routinely pick the Chargers over pretty much every other dismal team in that division. The real question in this game is who will land on IR for Kansas City this week.

Baltimore over St. Louis
I'm sure the Ravens aren't pleased about being embarrassed by the Titans last week. The Rams have the misfortune of being the team they will take it out on.

Green Bay over CHICAGO
I thought long and hard about making this my upset special of the week. Normally I would, but the Bears are kind of banged up right now. I don't know if they have enough offensive muscle to pull this one out. Green Bay should win it on the road.

Arizona over SEATTLE
They say Seattle is the hardest stadium to play in. People who say that have never been to Ralph Wilson Stadium.

TAMPA BAY over Atlanta
Do I have faith in the Buccaneers? Absolutely not. But I need an upset special this week, and this might as well be it.

Pittsburgh over INDY
If you have any player from the Colts on your fantasy team, this would be the time to dump them. When the schedule came out, it made sense to make this the Sunday night game. Now it looks senseless.

DALLAS over Washington
I think Rex Grossman will wake up from the dream that is his 2-0 season. He will wake up and remember he is a terrible quarterback. How come people don't make Rex Gross-man jokes more?

NFL Predictions - Week 2

2011-09-18T10:52:00.011-04:00

My picks this week will have to be brief as I will be in attendance at the Buffalo Bills game today in historic Orchard Park, NY. I'll get back to snarky remarks next week.

Year-to-date: 9-6

Green Bay over CAROLINA
DETROIT over Kansas City
INDY over Cleveland
MINNESOTA over Tampa Bay
NEW ORLEANS over Chicago
NEW YORK JETS over Jacksonville
PITTSBURGH over Seattle
Baltimore over Tennessee
WASHINGTON over Arizona
Dallas over San Francisco
Cincy over DENVER
Houston over MIAMI
NEW ENGLAND over San Diego
ATLANTA over Philly
NEW YORK over St. Louis

Kelly Thomas / Blue Devils in the Heat

2011-09-10T12:21:00.000-04:00

Many of you may not know, but there is an event that recently happened in this country that is beyond appalling. Six police officers in Fullerton, CA beat and Taser-ed Kelly Thomas to death. Kelly was a homeless man who suffered from schizophrenia.

If you are unfamiliar with this event, please read here.

I encourage everyone to look at this picture of Kelly on life support.

This was an unarmed man. This was a man with a history of mental illness. And this is what the police did to him. This to me transcends the word "brutality". This isn't shooting someone. This is six men striking and electrocuting a defenseless man to death. It is not inhumane, it is inhuman.

You want to talk about the problems of this country? This is the problem with this country. The helpless are left to suffer and die, and our powers that be will help speed up that fate.

There is a Chernesky song about this you have probably never heard. But I want to share the lyrics. I will be moving this song up the list of the Tramp Songs project so we can all be mindful of Kelly Thomas in our own communities.

Blue Devils

Kelly Thomas walked the streets of Fullerton
Stumbling through cars, trying to escape the July sun
He had no shirt on his back, no backpack, no gun
When he became Fullerton's public enemy number one

Kelly Thomas had bigger problems than the heat
He had voices in his head that wouldn't let him sleep
The only danger is the danger that we keep
You can throw a badge on a man, that won't bring you no peace

A lightnin storm on a poor man's chest
Half a dozen of California's best
Angels won't you come down to these streets
We got blue devils in the heat
Blue devils beatin' us in the heat

Kelly Thomas laid in the coma for five days
Stuck with them voices, now there was no escape
The only sound was the beeping of the machines
That pushed on his lungs and forced him to breathe

While the police stayed home with their families
On a free vacation called "administrative leave"
They kissed their children and put 'em all to sleep
Knowing their names were safe and dry and off the TV

A lightnin storm on a poor man's chest
Half a dozen of California's best
Angels won't you come down to these streets
We got blue devils in the heat
Blue devils beatin' us in the heat

When Kelly Thomas finally passed away
His own family couldn't identify the body
Bloodied bruises covered his face
Not an inch of him weren't beaten by the police

If there ain't justice in Fullerton
Then there ain't justice for anyone
The only danger is the danger that we keep
Put a badge on a man, he won't bring you no peace

A lightnin storm on a poor man's chest
Half a dozen of California's best
Angels won't you come down to these streets
We got blue devils in the heat
Blue devils beatin' us in the heat

NFL Picks - Week 1

2011-09-08T13:11:00.010-04:00

Oh it must be that time again. A speech by the president or not, tonight NFL football gets underway and honestly it couldn't come a moment too soon. With all the CBA wrangling in the off-season I was heading towards and early, drunken grave. I have few things in life, don't take my football.

But crisis averted as we will have a full NFL schedule of play. SO LET THE PICKS BEGIN.

Same rules as last year--I pick every regular season game except Week 17. Last year I ran an experiment in which I flipped a coin on every game and tested if I could predict games better than a coin toss. I kicked that coin's ass:

2010 Cumulative Record: 101-62
2010 Coin Record: 82-81

This year I am looking to beat last year's and stay soundly above 100.

GREEN BAY over New Orleans
I think the Saints will put up more of a fight than anyone thinks. I also don't believe Green Bay is as invincible as everyone seems to think. The fact of the matter is I just seem them having the edge on talent and they'll be playing at home.

BALTIMORE over Pittsburgh
Yeah, yeah, the Steelers always beat the Ravens. I know. But that can't go on forever...can it? I have to be soft on the Ravens this season because they now feature Buffalo Bills cast-off Lee Evans. I'm sure this one is gonna be ugly though. They always are.

Atlanta over CHICAGO
The Bears are just a Mid-Western version of the Redskins. They can throw money at free agency, but they won't get anywhere with their current culture. Now granted they have been to an NFC championship game and a Super Bowl within the last five years, but to me that's more of proof that the NFC was under-competitive at those times than Chicago having good playing or coaching. No one on Earth is convinced Jay Cutler is a completely competent quarterback, and I stand firmly in my belief that the Bears' receiving corps isn't worth its weight in salt (ex-Cowboys Williams and Hurd don't make a compelling case for roster upgrades). They will win games this year, mainly because the defense will be sound and they do have a lot of up-side on that roster. They are not a clutch team, however. With Marion Barber out this week and Chester Taylor sent to free agency/Arizona, they are suddenly pretty thin at running back. I like the Falcons this time around.

CLEVELAND over Cincy
Oh, God. Why does this game even have to happen? Aside from whatever percentage of central Ohio that hasn't been completely swept away by Dancing With the Stars, who could give half a care about this dismal matchup? The Bengals are a team who recently had their quarterback of eight years straight-up refuse to play for them anymore. Their receiving corps is less of a "youth movement" and more of an episode of Muppet Babies (have I dated myself?). Hopefully Cedric Benson can run from Cleveland's defense more effectively than he did from the law this off-season. I pick the Browns to win, but I hope I don't have to hear about this game or see a single highlight.

HOUSTON over Indy
If Peyton Manning is out of a game, the Colts are out of a game. I don't see how Father Time (aka Kerry Collins) could carry the Colts on his back the way Manning does. He'll be lucky if he can stand fully erect with his pads on. If the Texans lose this game at home, then they are officially terrible.

Tennessee over JACKSONVILLE
It is interesting that no one who threw a pass for either of these teams last year is still on either team. Note I said it was "interesting", not "surprising". The Titans should have more fans in the stadium than the Jaguars...as will most teams that play in Jacksonville this season.

Philly over ST. LOUIS
Vince Young's "Dream Team" should beat the Rams. There's really not too much else to say about it. With all the money they spent this off-season, the Eagles realistically need to put up eleven wins.

Detroit over Tampa Bay
Well I have to pick the Lions here because Matt "Staffy" Stafford hasn't succumbed to his yearly injury yet. I want credit for coming up with "Staffy" which could also be spelled "Staphy" or even changed to "Stiffy". It'll catch on. Detroit brought in some serious help on defense this short off-season. The Lions have a bit more upside than the Bucs at this juncture.

ARIZONA over Carolina
Welcome to the NFL, Cam Newton. It ain't gonna be too pretty at first. Yes, right now it's hot to follow Carolina thanks to their shiny new draft picks and free agent scrap-picking. But that is going to take a while to translate into wins. Even as horribly incompetent as Arizona is on and off the field the last two seasons, I am going to hand them this one at home.

SAN DIEGO over Minnesota
Generally the Chargers like to take the first four to six weeks of the season off. Why? I can never wrap my mind around it. This year if they have any plans on taking the AFC West from the Chiefs they're going to have to start playing at the same time as the rest of the league. I consider the Vikings vulnerable this year (though I have always been a McNabb fan as my obligatory Central New Yorker duty) and on the road I can easily seem them fall out of step--if they are even in step.

Seattle over SAN FRANCISCO
For full disclosure, every week I regret one pick. This is the one I may regret. For a while I found the NFC West laughable, then during the playoff stretch last year I found them annoying, now I am coming to actually hate the division. Every NFC West division game isn't a rivalry, it's an occasion to say "So what?". If this game was in Seattle it would be the Seahawks for sure, but on the road it's anyone's guess. The 49ers haven't changed much since last season--other than losing a good part of their linebacking corps. Since they spent last year floundering around a pathetic division and didn't bother changing their skill positions, I'm gonna hand this one to Seattle.

New York Giants over WASHINGTON
Man the Giants have a knack for losing players to injury, well at least this year they do. Won't matter too much this week as they will play everyone's favorite whipping boy--the Washington Redskins who have ceded more turf the last two seasons than the actual Native Americans did.
^That one's probably gonna spur some emails.

NEW YORK JETS over Dallas
The Cowboys seem to be fond of their new coach, this is the kind of sleeper match I'd like to say goes to the underdog, but I refuse to call the upset. My outlook on the Cowboys isn't as rosy as most people out there predicting games on the internet (all of us are clearly brilliant, by the way). This is namely because their starters haven't changed much at all since last season, which is fine if you're the Packers, but not okay if you watched the playoffs from Applebee's. The Jets are contending for both the playoffs and the most obnoxious team in the NFL. If they can beat the Cowboys and be classless about it, it will give them a leg-up in both regards.

New England over MIAMI
It pains me every time I have to put "New England" in the bold-face winner font. I want so badly for them to get beat up on in the AFC East. Miami has a defense that can give the Pats some headaches, the problem is that the Dolphins have no offensive muscle. If you are going to run with the big dogs you need...a Big Dogs shirt? I'm not sure where I was going with this one.

DENVER over Oakland
Here it is, folks. This week's upset special. They may not be dark, but they are a horse. If there is decidedly one factor that could swing this game the way of the Broncos, it is Kyle Orton. If he lights it up against a secondary that you could put mildly as "missing something" of late, it will be all she wrote. Denver's defense still isn't very good. Though neither is Oakland's passing game, which is even missing its top receiver from last year (which was a tight end <--TWSS). I guess if you look at all-around talent you may point at Oakland, but I got a feeling the Broncos could win this one.

**Just as a note to those of you new to this, I never pick the Bills games--for my own sanity...and sanitation.**

Press Blast High 'n Dry Philly Phillips Released from Police Custody

2011-09-06T16:12:00.000-04:00

Normally Francis handles press release and PR-type posts, but I wanted to take lead on this one.

Around 1:00am on September 5, our very own High 'n Dry Philly Phillips was picked up by the police. I am not sure of the official charge but it was more or less vagrancy. He was sleeping on a park bench when he was awoken and taken away by the cops.

He has been released from custody and is home safe. Our thoughts and prayers go out to him.

A lot of people seem to think that this one falls on me, because I had been with High 'n Dry earlier that night. I gave him some booze and cut him loose. Some in the community have even gone so far as to say I was complicit or that I am trying to set him up. That is preposterous.

I raised Philly up from nothing. I have given him fame and a life outside of homeless obscurity.

At the end of the day, we're Tramps. Every Tramp gets picked up from time to time because the police are generally opposed to our lifestyle. I was picked up in July. It don't mean a thing to get picked up, the key is to never have any charges stick. I can proudly say at this time I've beaten the charges every damn time and will keep continuing to in the future. We will see if Philly has enough swagger to get out this nonsense.

As you can imagine we will keep you informed. Keep on fightin it High 'n Dry.

Chernesky out.

Tips for all you College Kids

2011-09-01T08:56:00.004-04:00

This is the time of year that all of you kids are going off to college. This is a very formative time in your life. You're probably going to start experimenting with different lifestyles. You may go vegetarian and you probably will start dating Pauley Shore. Go wild. Let your mind be a vacuous sponge to be filled with experience and enlightenment, but I have one warning--

Don't let this be a time in your life you experiment with music. I'm not just talking about experimental music (which is horrible), but with any form of music that hasn't stood up to the test of time. Music that has never toppled a regime or echoed through the railways of the heartland. Don't forget the old tramp songs, but rather spread the word to your new school peeps and perps.

Now in at least one of your classes there will be some kid who dresses like he is a morbid, self-loathing commercial painter. He will probably come up to you with a CD of hardcore music and try to "turn you on" to it. Here is how you handle the situation.

You could start by knocking the compact disc out of his poorly-tattooed hand. Use your typical windshield-wiper technique for smacking the crappy music up and out--so it falls clear of the situation. If you are right-handed, use your left hand to do this, and then cock back your right hand in a menacing fist (obviously the reverse if you are left-handed). You might need to practice this to get it as one, fluid motion, but also probably not because you will have plenty of opportunities to practice this in a real-life scenario.

As you threaten him with your fist you should say, "I am going to punch you so hard that this shitty hardcore CD turns into a Great Chernesky CD."

Now hardcore schluffs can be persistent if they want to be, so here are some alternative punching threats--you may need to mix it up a bit.

"I'm going to punch you so hard you'll know what being drunk feels like."

"I'm going to punch you so hard, you'll lose an 'X' off your tattoo and it'll just be a chart of your chromosomes."

"I'm going to punch you so hard your favorite band will go from Earth Crisis to Punchen Face Crisis."

"I'm going to punch you so hard that you will renounce all violence even though it's an integral part of your aggressive self-identity."

So remember, new and old college students. You may become a democrat and engage in marijuana-fueled tantric sex sessions, but when it comes to hardcore music and straight-edge lifestyle just say "I'll punch you so hard…"

Chernesky out.

Best of Rochester Nomination Process

2011-08-29T22:13:00.001-04:00

Democracy has always had its place in our performances. Don't ask how, it doesn't seem to matter. Apparently democracy is how City Magazine judges the "Best of Rochester". If a populist revolt is what they're looking for, then you better believe it's what they're going to get.

If you could take the time to nominate The Great Chernesky for "Best Solo Musician" (in lieu of "Greatest Performer" which is a category we'd clean up on but doesn't exist) you can help further the cause. The nomination process is kind of convoluted so I'll try to demystify it for you Tramps.

First Click here to fill out the ballot.

Then put in your information. You need to fill out at least forty categories for your vote to count. This may be tricky, but it's the only way. Do your homework or ask a friend. It is open-book.

The top four nominees move on to voting. Let's see if we can't show this Rochester f***s how it's done.

Chernesky out.

Beating up Neil Jung & Crazy Hoss

2011-08-28T22:13:00.000-04:00

Had to be done. No one disrespects Auburn. No one disrespects The Great.

Death Wheeleez @ CherneskyFest 2011

2011-08-28T22:11:00.003-04:00

International Snack Pie Eating Championship @ CherneskyFest 2011

2011-08-24T13:23:00.000-04:00

Watch Me Lift 1,200 pounds!

2011-08-24T13:21:00.000-04:00

THANK YOU

2011-08-21T22:48:00.000-04:00

I am just getting home from the after-festival rap (or is it wrap) party. Man what a time.

I wanted to thank everyone who helped out with CherneskyFest 2011 yesterday. It simply wouldn't have happened without you. I would also like to thank all the good people of Auburn who attended the event.

In the coming days we'll have some videos up for those of you who must have had some hell of a good reason to miss it.

We've already started planning for next year's CherneskyFest.

-TGC OUT-

State of CherneskyFest 8/8/11

2011-08-08T21:50:00.000-04:00

Re: Foot Breakings and Festivals

2011-08-08T00:09:00.000-04:00

Greetings Tramps,

I have been silent on this blog for a while. This is due to the fact that I am preparing myself in every way for CherneskyFest 2011.

CherneskyFest is a way to give back to Auburn--the town that gave me my start. My Bostonian Jewish backers have secured us Market Street Park in enchanting Auburn, NY for August 20th in which we will provide a totally free open-air music festival. For more information please visit:
http://www.chernesky.org/fest.

With that said, the rumors are true. In a very technical sense my foot is broken. But the rest of my body has become stronger to compensate for it, much like how when a person goes blind they can play piano better.

I will perform at 7pm as scheduled at CherneskyFest. The only caveat is that I will have to wear a prosthetic boot over my foot as per doctor's demands. It's going to take a whole hell of a lot more than some fractured foot-bones to take down The Great and to take down CherneskyFest.

As we enter the home-stretch for the festival, I will make sure to keep everyone posted on details.

Chernesky out.

PRESS RELEASE: The Great Chernesky Injures Foot Attempting New Stunt for CherneskyFest

2011-08-06T08:29:00.002-04:00

For immediate release:

We sadly announce that The Great has once again injured himself in preparing for a new death-defying stunt that was slated to take place during CherneskyFest 2011.

The injury occurred around 10:30pm on Thursday August 4, 2011. The stunt was to revolve around The Great Chernesky playing a soccer match against amateur monster truck "Death Wheeleez". Death Wheeleez was outfitted with a plow-like extension off the front bumper which it would use to push a soccer ball.

In scrimmaging a best-of-three match, The Great wound up to kick the ball with his left foot at the same time Death Wheeleez (and driver Philly Phillips) arrived to defend it. The ball cleared up and over the amateur monster truck while Chernesky landed a hard left kick directly to the front of the advancing vehicle.

The Great was treated at an orthopedic clinic not far from the incident and was diagnosed with a broken foot.

CherneskyFest 2011 will continue on and The Great will perform his entire set, though he will have to wear a fracture boot. The amateur monster truck soccer match has been cancelled but The Great has pledged to still lift 1,000lbs live at the festival.

Live Blogging the Miss Teen USA Pageant

2011-07-16T20:27:00.056-04:00

8:26pm: There has been some talent present. Early puller-aheader is definitely California.

8:27pm: They have brought out Miss Teen USA 2010 (Kamie Crawford) for an interview and featurette. Out with the old! In with the new!

8:28pm: "Roll Tide Roll" reference. Ugh.

8:29pm: High 'n Dry is incited, he very much hates the very white host of the pageant. He is also a bald pervert.

8:30pm: We are anxiously awaiting the swimsuit competition. BRING IT.

8:31pm: Very unimpressive round of judges this year. Wonder why myself or Philly wasn't asked.

8:33pm: Never seen an auditor introduced before or get any camera time. WE ARE READY FOR SWIMSUIT.

8:36: NO way in hell am I pouring my own drinks anymore. Heard rave reviews about Texas from the peanut gallery, but missed her entirely. They said she was more like Tex-Ass.

8:37pm: North Dakota has really pulled it out in swimsuit. Wow.

8:38pm: West Virginia has the "inside track" as far as bloodlines (if you know what I mean), but swimsuit has pulled her up a bit. Still not a contender.

8:39pm: "Remind me never to visit Georgia" states member of the Tramp Judging Panel. Does he need reminding?

8:40pm: Philly likes Maryland's spunk. She's a thoroughbred for this.

8:40pm: Pennsylvania, go home. Aren't you late for your shift at Denny's?

8:41pm: California showing us all why she OWNS the beaches.

8:41pm: Mizz has all the right ingredients, but I just don't feel she pulls it together. -TGC

8:42pm: Like the exotic Maine entrant. Nice twist. Good work on the swimsuit as well.

8:42pm: I've discovered High 'n Dry has had an erection for a while.

8:42pm: New Jersey is just here to reinforce stereotypes.

8:43pm: Swimsuit competition is unfortunately over. North Dakota, California, Maine, and Texas are the top four according to the Tramp Panel. Our Kansas contingent says "NOT KANSAS".

8:44pm: Miss USA enters. What's next?! The twists just keep coming. She is absolutely radiant.

8:45pm: Host desperately claims he bonded with Miss USA over hockey--a sport he clearly doesn't understand. I have reason to believe he has publicly urinated during this event. Get your chrome dome off the stage.

8:46pm: Miss USA admits she stripped in her evening gown. WILD.

8:47pm: Miss USA swears by pilates.

8:47pm: Kia Hampton is performing? Why on earth was The Great Chernesky not considered? I'm going to get on the horn with Francis ASAP about this.

8:48pm: Musical act Kia Hampton is absolutely brutal. I'm not just saying this because I should be the one playing.

8:49pm: Kia, here's a tip for you: medley's don't work if you don't have one worthwhile song. You may be Kentucky's Idol, but you are horrendous.

8:51pm: Never seen a pop singer not even sing one word of her own choruses before, it's all canned vocals. Bizarre.

8:52pm: Not sure what's flatter--her vocals or her chest.

8:53pm: "It doesn't look like she's got a whole lot going on on top." -High 'n Dry

8:53pm: Absolutely awful musical act. Thank God it's over. We need to send the competition a demo.

8:53pm: MISS UNIVERSE IS IN THE HOUSE!

8:54pm: Host, thanks for looking like an American idiot in front of the elected most beautiful beauty queen in the universe. Stop overusing the word "bonding" and butchering the Spanish language.

8:58pm: Evening gown competition is ON. Let the elegance roll.

8:59pm: Quite a few of the ladies picked Chernesky-blue dresses. Be still my heart.

9:01pm: Things are getting real. We're hitting the home stretch. Let's clASS it up, ladies.

9:01pm: Though I hate everything about the state of Texas, I gotta tell you--she has definitely shown up tonight.

9:02pm: Though some of our panel likes North Dakota, I think the dress exposes her broad shoulders. Definitely lost some stock from this.

9:02pm: Indiana's dress looks like an alien Disney princess gown. Way to strike out.

9:03pm: Minnesota is looking good in this part. Train was a bold choice but she pulls it off. She looks like some fun.

9:04pm: I gotta be real. I've had my eye on Colorado all night and she's a huge ditz. Dress looks great, but I'm pretty sure she walked in the wrong direction. No real poise here.

9:04pm: The neckline on South Carolina shows a much more tan face than body. A marginal contender before is now out.

9:05pm: Our Kansan panelist is continually upset by their representative. Dress screams Little House on the Prairie.

9:06pm: Cut on Maryland's dress VERY flattering. Crowd is definitely digging her all gussied up. She's pulling into the top circle here.

9:07pm: Pennsylvania--you have the charisma of a dental hygienist.

9:07pm: California is not f***ing around in this competition. She has come to win this thing and we are liking every minute of it.

9:08pm: Maine is hot. Hot pink, however looks horrible on her. Flatters her figure, but does more harm than good to her presentation.

9:09pm: Good to see New Jersey got her dress at Fyline's Basement.

9:09pm: The suspense is killer. Who will win it all?

9:10pm: "DON'T STOP NOW, show 'em your love!" The notable creepy quote of the evening from the ever-creepy host.

9:10pm: Well we're unanimous in our Tramp Panel--California stole the show. Just waiting on the official decision.

9:11pm: Fifteen minute intermission. We're going to take a whiskey break.

9:14pm: Here are the interviews. Host is proving he is completely incompetent. I have drank my spelling skills away.

9:15pm: I think the host thinks he has a shot with Minnesota. She had a completely horrible interview.

9:16pm: Yep. Colorado is a ditz.

9:17pm: Host has no idea who he is interviewing. He has called the same contestant by three different states, and two different names.

9:18pm: Georgia has some interview skills and annunciation. But host let it slip that they had practiced.

9:19pm: Maryland is a pro. Lost to last year's Miss Teen USA coming out of states. Will we see back-to-back Maryland winners?

9:19pm: Philly can distinguish the reflection of the camera man in the host's bald head.

9:20pm: California is, on top of it all, a true family girl. Gave shout-outs to her best friends. Don't cry, you're beautiful. Knowledgeable about Carmageddon. She's the real deal, folks.

9:22pm: Maine is coming off very youthful. I know it's Miss Teen USA but the other contestants carried themselves like women.

9:22pm: Not comfortable with the banter between the host and New Jersey. She is so trashy. Doesn't know the meaning of the world "literally".

9:23pm: MISS USA IS BACK. HOLD ME DOWN. She is loosened up too, seems like she had a drink or two. Host is confronting her about not responding to his tweets on Twitter. AWKWARD. She gives another shout-out to pilates. Ladies, you need to be doing these. Miss USA uses an iPad.

9:24pm: Miss Universe returns. Host still doesn't know her full last name. What a mook.

9:25pm: It sort of creeps me out that we have no lights on in this room. Just the glow of the pageant.

9:29pm: Don't know who is worse of a singer--Miss Universe or the musical act Kia.

9:31pm: Love the hotel bed cams. Ambushed contestants in bed. That's what I would do.

9:36pm: About to announce the Final Five.

9:38pm: Someday I hope to be the host of this show. You can be as seedy as you want and get away with it.

9:38pm: Top Five: Kansas (boo), CALIFORNIA, Missouri (ill-advised), North Dakota, Texas.

9:39pm: Three of the Top Five were hits. All in all not horrible, but Maine and Maryland should have been sent a flyer.

9:41pm: "If you were handed a million dollars, what would you splurge on?" is asked to California. She said she'd give it to her grandma. What a sweetheart. Don't like that she bragged about her grandma winning a quarter million or her trip to the Bahamas, but a winning answer.

9:42pm: Missouri basically says she wants to f*** Jimmy Fallon. Host tells her she'll have her chance. Wow.

9:42pm: North Dakota's dream job is to be a Victoria Secret model. Okay...

9:43pm: Texas admires her older sister. "Let go and let God" is her motto. Wholesome.

9:44pm: Kansas blames media for adolescent girls' poor self image. Way to pass the buck.

9:45pm: California feels that school systems focus too much on international geography as opposed to American geography. Bold stance. Very patriotic though. Way to curb a liberal stereotype.

9:46pm: Mizz gets a sexting question. She feels education is a solution to technological responsibility. Semi-Luddite.

9:47pm: North Dakota gets a teen suicide question. She emotionally recalls how she was the victim of bullying in tenth grade. Is there no shame in North Dakota?

9:48pm: Texas fielded a question about teen plastic surgery very diplomatically. I'm growing bullish on her after questions session.

9:50pm: Last sashays. Top two are definitely California and Texas at this point. The big states are showing up big. North Dakota tried to pull at our heartstrings, but was it genuine?

9:51pm: Going to pour a drink. Too much excitement.

9:54pm: Miss Congeniality is New Jersey. People's Choice is Hawaii.

9:55pm: Tramp Panel votes for California to win it all. Texas close runner-up.

9:56pm: We've broken the seal. That doesn't have anything to do with urinating. It means we've drank past the "Aged Eight Years" seal on the Black Velvet bottle.

9:57pm: My mother calls at the most inopportune time.

9:58pm: Miss Teen USA 2010 cries while relinquishing the crown.

10:00pm: Goldhammer is the Francis Huetzhollow of this pageant. Money-backing Jew that gets more credit than he's due.

10:01pm: Mizz and Kansas released early. Good judging.

10:01pm: California cut loose. Big mistake. Tramps may riot tonight.

10:02pm: TEXAS WINS. Acceptable pick. Helps unite red and blue states. Good political move and she is a hot little number. Hopefully she will serve the crown well. We can accept this as we had her a close second.

Thanks for hanging with us and following the live blog. It's been a wild ride. They're all winners in our hearts, except Jersey and Pennsylvania and a couple others. Time to hit the bars hard. We have a new Miss Teen USA.

God Bless America. God Bless the World.

A Pair of Thoughts

2011-05-27T02:00:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't been on-top of posting here. That is because we have big plans for this summer, that is High 'n Dry and myself. I have been devoting myself to all sorts of things, but I wanted to touch base with a few thoughts.

I was at the bar tonight (big shocker, I know) and I had a few notes I took home.

Firstly, I don't really care about personal space. If you bump into me or squeeze by me that's fine. If a woman comes up and starts grinding on my ass, knock yourself out lady. But there is a zone on my person that transcends personal space...I call it the "Drink Zone".

The Drink Zone is the arc from my resting drink position to where I pour the booze into my mouth. Think of it almost like a batter's strike zone. The path that the drink in my hand needs to take to reach my mouth is hallowed atmosphere in itself. You can come stick your hands in my pockets ladies, but don't put yourself in my Drink Zone.

As you've probably figured out, some charubix ladies and even a dude or two got up in my Drink Zone tonight and I was not pleased, not pleased in the least.

The second and final thought is that though guys give women crap for dancing in the club, it's pretty righteous. I'm always a proponent of women dancing up in the bar because if they are wearing the proper shirt or dress there is always the chance that one of their boobs will fall out. So take that to the bank and deposit it.

Chernesky out.

The Apple-Top Girls

2011-05-20T02:13:00.001-04:00

Today I was sitting on the bus and I happened to look out the window at three women getting off the bus at the hospital stop.

There is a stereotype in our society that three ugly sisters are usually witches. Good thing this is Rochester and not Salem or these three would be goners.

Two were portly--yes portly women. Usually women aren't portly, but these two were. They stood as bookends of the group, with their somehow scrawny sister in the middle. She was definitely the odd woman out being half the size of her sisters, and just for good measure she walked with a hunch.

No matter what comparisons wants to draw I want to emphasize these women were not witches, however their hair did appear to be on fire. It is because they all decided to share the same bottle of red hair dye.

But their hair never actually dyed. It was clearly still brown, and yet neon red at the same time. It was confusing to look at, but watching their confused demeanor as they tried to transverse the street, I'd have to say it was the best thing they had going for them--that and for what I can tell they had managed to successfully complete a bus ride without blowing anyone.

I have no concept of cosmetology, but this was brutal. I've seen black women with more convincing dyed red hair. In triplicate it was a sight to behold.

They couldn't seem to decide whether they wanted to steer right or left as they crossed the street, so they sort of zig-zagged. The skinny sister was caught in the middle and ricocheted like a pinball between the two girthier sisters as the collective group shifted direction. She fumbled to light and stuff a cigarette into her mouth (AHA that's her secret to staying thin!), but every time she seemed to get a handle on the situation she was jolted by the bulbous shoulder of one of her siblings and had to start again.

Cars in the street came to a stop waiting for this hot mess to just get out of the way. The drivers sat puzzled at what they were looking at. We all did. I'm not even sure if they had any business at the hospital.

I called them The Apple-Top Girls.

Chernesky rules. Chernesky out.

My Review of "Whip It"

2011-05-17T22:42:00.000-04:00

Tonight I watched the movie Whip It. Hell no, I ain't no sissy. I only watched it for two reasons: First of all I thought it was a movie about doing aerosols, and secondly it was just research, as I am thinking about having sex with Ellen Page.

Then in protest I wanted to do a whole bunch of whip-its, but I only had canned air. I learned you can't get high off canned air, and also that it eventually gets very, very cold on your face and in your sinus passages.

So there you have it.

A Hilarious Grocery Store Exchange

2011-05-01T22:35:00.001-04:00

Today I was at the store with the ever-infamous High 'n Dry Philly Phillips. I was running low on apples, so I had to go buy some apples. Actually I was completely out of apples.

While we were just struttin' through that place, we passed a guy who was with his two kids. His kids were probably somewhere between six and nine years old and hanging off the shopping cart. They both had long, brown hair. They were also incredibly bored because their father had run into some woman who was clearly no more than a vague acquaintance and yet they yammered on with smalltalk.

As we passed by, we were so privileged to hear what I must assume was the funniest part of their whole conversation. The woman looked over the kids, and whimsically observed:

"So it's just you and the girls today?"

The man paused. He then pointed at the younger child and said "Girl." Then pointed at the other child and said "Boy."

I don't know if I've relayed this to you people yet, but I no longer even attempt to stifle laughing at loud at people in public. This was the perfect example as I just cocked back and laughed at the four of them. The man nervously tried to jokingly explain away his son by referring to him as a "hippie".

There's no such thing as an eight-year-old hippie. If he is, it's because you've made him that way. There was nothing hippie-ish about his appearance at all. He had long hair and dark framed glasses, and a generally boring disposition. He looked more like someone that would grow up to work the counter of a comic book store, but not even really know that much about comic books.

Chernesky out.

The Colostomy Bag

2011-05-01T21:28:00.000-04:00

Philly and I are total wine enthusiasts.

Everybody Says 'Weezy' is the Best Rapper and is Also in Prison, but I Don't Even Know Who That Is

2011-04-22T19:50:00.000-04:00

The title really says it all. I am not very in tune to the rap world. One of my current favorite rap stars is Drake, of crippled guy in Degrassi High fame. I don't especially care for his songs, but love when he gets tagged into other hip hop songs. Some examples are "Bedrock" by Young Money, "What's My Name" by Rihanna, and "Moment 4 Life" by Nicki Minaj.

So why does this matter? It doesn't. This one logically ain't comin' around, folks. But I will tell you about this woman I saw today; she was a very large woman. Have you ever noticed some large women have weight distributed disproportionately onto their upper arms? This woman had a broad build, but didn't really seem to carry any weight except her butt and more prominantly, her upper arms. It was as if she had two deli hams hanging from the back of her arms.

If you know of any good pictures of women like this, please post a link in the Comments section. Whenever I see someone like this I just pretend they have abnormally strong triceps. I get a real charge out of it.

The Returning Accomplisher

2011-04-20T11:56:00.000-04:00

So I took the better part of a month off from posting on the ol' TrampBlog. Fret not, children of America, for The Great has not forgotten you.

I have been traveling, accompanied by High 'n Dry Philly Phillips, performing all over the state (and one in Vermont) the last two weeks. There were good times and good memories, and also some horrendous things that there is simply not enough evidence to ever trace back to us.

This past weekend I had the rare opportunity to roast musicians Peter House, Ryan Ashe, and Dylan J. Suttles. I am told that video will be posted online as soon as our Vimeo quota resets for the week. And once it is--you know it will be here on this internet publication.

I assume you are all busy getting ready for the Easter Bunny. East-er Bunny? I barely even know her. That brings me to the next important point: henceforth if you see the abbreviation "IBEKH" anywhere in any material I put out there, it stands for "I Barely Even Know Her". I am tired of having to type it out fully.

I don't want to dwell on all my many accomplishments that have occurred in posting absence, so I will list just a few here:

I registered to vote in the proper county.
I ate alligator meat.
I invented several racist terms for white people
I watched the first season of Hung, a popular television program about a male prostitute
I started a focus group on me becoming a male prostitute
I attended the premiere of a film about myself
I tried milk made from rice
I ate rice cooked in milk

The list goes on and on. Just know that I have defied death once again and that new posts will be coming back on their near-daily schedule.

Chernesky out.

The Great Chernesky Goes to a Craft Fair Part II: My Conversation with Dave Gunn

2011-04-01T13:52:00.002-04:00

While at the Rochester Craft & Zine Fair I ran into a man who once attempted to book us with a show on our first tour in 2008. It was a lively conversation about Denny's, his sex life, and discomfort.

The Great Chernesky goes to a Craft Fair Part II: My Conversation with Dave Gunn

Rochester Craft & Zine Fair 2011 - Part 1

2011-03-31T09:38:00.000-04:00

This is some footage from the Rochester Craft & Zine Fair which I attended on 3/20/11. There will be a second part I'll post either this evening or tomorrow.

The Great Chernesky Goes to a Craft Fair

Foe-Tography

2011-03-16T20:14:00.002-04:00

I heard somewhere that certain smells, and images can trigger repressed memories, and an art show that I attended recently proved that. Now I don't know who decided that photography was some sort of higher art form, but what a crock of s**t that is. Where is the skill in pointing at something and snapping a picture? Photography is just stupid and shouldn't be considered art. Seeing the incarnate of narcissism pasted on the peeling walls of that house, and the haze from the boxed wine I was pilfering, dark memories deep from within began to surface. Now what I am about to divulge I have not told anyone. That must mean I either really trust you readers or I am really drunk. Probably the former and not the latter. Back in my college days believe it or not, Privilege and I used to be allies and not foe. For the longest time Jenny would not let me take Nude pics of her. And what relationship that goes on for five years doesn't have that? I mean really. It wasn't until I had a "project" where I needed "tasteful" "photos" of a "nude" subject that she conceded. Knowing that Privilege was interested in photography, I asked him if I could borrow his camera. With fake "Project" and camera ready I was finally able to get my nudes of Jenny. This was actually one of the hotter parts of our relationship. I'm actually having a difficult time writing this, remembering what she was and wasn't wearing. The weird thing though is when it came time to download the pictures, I noticed that there were at least fifty different suggestive pictures of Jenny on the camera. At the time, my understanding of photography was an explanation a drunk red skinned man had once told me. It involved lots of whiskey and something about the camera capturing the soul of the person being photographed. At the time he was very convincing, but I now realize how wrong he really was. It just dawned on me that Privilege was running around with Jenny for longer that I thought. Now if you will please excuse me there is a handle of whiskey and tears that need drinking.

HnD

PRESS BLAST Flyer for 4/7/11 Available

2011-03-11T13:21:00.003-05:00

Click on the image to view full flyer.

Canton residents feel free to print off and post this flyer. Spread the word that TGC is coming!

Bus Jesus & Bus Mohammed

2011-03-10T11:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday which auspiciously follows every Mardi Gras. Some would even argue that Mardi Gras is purposely always the day before Ash Wednesday, but that's a whole other story.

The fact of the matter is that though in a conventional sense many would not consider me a particularly "active" Catholic (I consider myself a bit of an inter-faith person), but if I shine at all, Lent is when I shine. This is mostly the handy work of my mother, who called me yesterday morning at 7:15am to remind me that it was Ash Wednesday and to rattle off my dietary restrictions for the day.

On Ash Wednesday, as well as Good Friday, Catholics cannot eat meat, and must fast. The Catholic definition of fasting as it has been relayed to me is that you are allotted three small meals but nothing in between. I can do without the meat, but the fasting is problematic.

I don't generally eat "meals". I am a grazer. I eat roughly six or seven times a day, varying the amount of food and what I eat. My body is finely tuned to run this way, and what's more, expects this. I informed my mother that I would starve.

And I did starve. I didn't eat lunch until 1:00pm. Normally I would have eaten twice between "breakfast" and 1:00pm. After my fasted meal I finished work and continued to the gym. Due to my schedule this week the only time I could really lift was unfortunately yesterday. I knew it wouldn't be pretty, but I reckoned that if a starved and beaten-up Jesus could march a heavy cross up a hill, that I could lift some weights on an empty stomach. My workout would be in solidarity with Jesus.

It went alright. However by time all was said and done it was 7:00pm by time I got on the bus ride home. Normally I would have already eaten about five times by then, but alas had only eaten two very small meals. This is when I believe my 'starvation' really shone through.

As I've highlighted, riding the city bus is usually an almost surreal experience; you learn quickly to not be surprised by anything. For whatever reason there was a pretty lengthy line for the bus today and as I waited to file onto the bus I was wracked with hunger pains. As I finally got on the bus I looked up and there was a man with long auburn (the color) hair and a beard wearing a hoodie. He looked directly at me, smiled, and nodded. I believed at the time I was seeing Bus Jesus.

I found a seat in the back of the bus and looked up at Bus Jesus, trying to figure out if he was a real incarnation of Jesus or just a normal guy that was the victim of my hunger hallucinations. As I'm mulling over the plausibility of Jesus's return via the #5 bus, a black man with a beard stepped onto the bus.

He had his hair wrapped up in a turban-like head garment and wore a leather jacket. Below his waistline draped a sort of Persian garment of varying lengths. He had a fold-up wheeled grocery cart that he collapsed just enough to carry down the aisle of the bus. He parked himself in front of the exit door and expanded his grocery cart.

I looked him over for a while and then my hunger got the best of me. I realized this man was Bus Mohammed. I was having a spiritual epiphany of some sort--maybe something about the universal nature of the world's religions--but I couldn't wrap my hunger-ridden mind around it. I looked around for other notable religious founders. I looked at the larger people, trying to shape them into Buddah, but it didn't work.

As I am trying to interpret this vision, Bus Mohammed reached into one of the black trash bags that filled his grocery cart and pulled out a deuce of beer wrapped tightly in a paper bag. He looked around and started pounding it.

I looked over at Bus Jesus, he was just forlornly staring out the window, passing time until he gets home. He wasn't doing anything miraculous, he didn't even seem to care for the people around him on the bus.

It was somewhere between watching Bus Jesus sulk and seeing Bus Mohammed eat a dinner of cheese poofs and beer while riding the bus that I realized that this was not a vision. These were just normal people who happen to have beards and the general look of the stereotype of prophets.

I got home and ate and was better.

REPOST (Sort of): Fat? Ugly? High? You're Good as Gold.

2011-03-08T11:30:00.036-05:00

In the spirit of it being Fat Tuesday, I have decided to actually post something I started writing over a month ago. It was a post I never finished because it is critical of our attitude towards fat people. The reason I never finished it was because I ended up getting distracted and had to step away from the computer, but also I haven't made it a priority to finish because I didn't want to convey that I am prejudice against fat people. I very much like fat people, the ones I dislike are because they are awful people. My problem is the attitude society has taken towards obesity. So I figured I would finish it out and post it now that it is an appropriate time. The original title was "Fat? Ugly? High? You're Good as Gold."

This morning I awoke with one thought in my mind:

When did it become okay to be fat in America?

I'm not sure why this was the first coherent thought I had this morning, but nonetheless it was. I remember when it wasn't very cool at all to be fat, now more than a third of the country is obese and we're still counting. The prevailing thought is that obesity is something we as a people need to be sensitive towards, like race and gender, but I don't see the point.

Let's take a look at the history of fat people, shall we? Back in the olde days (Middle Ages for instance), being fat was a status symbol. If you were overweight it was very regal, as only someone like a king could afford plentiful food and didn't have to exercise.

This mentality was engrained in people for centuries, but somewhere in more modern times it did a one-eighty: being fat went out in a big way. It was somewhere in this era that I was born.

Growing up, no one wanted to be fat. Being fat meant you were lazy and/or that you weren't going to be taken seriously by anyone. In school they told us how not to be fat and we mostly listened, lest we fall out of good graces with our peers and most importantly--with girls.

As I grew older more and more people have become fatter and fatter (thanks dollar menus and corn syrup!) and rather than raise concern, people have just come to accept fatness as a way of life. What about the women? Oh, well they scaled up to match.

The average bra size in this country ten years ago was a 36C. Now it's a 36DD. When I heard this news I almost did that thing that cartoon characters do in which their eyeballs shoot up through the ceiling and their tongue rolls out of their mouth like a carpet. Then I heard the explanation: it's not that women are being better equipped, the average woman is just getting fatter. Oh great. We're going from ninety-five/five to eighty/twenty ground round here.

We obviously shouldn't persecute people for being overweight, there are some reasons in which weight gain could be out of your control--thyroid issues or getting knocked up come to mind. However those with this kind of disability are the slim minority amongst the fat American population.

There's a difference between toleration and approval, and I think we've crossed that line as a society. It should not be okay to live a lifestyle that is dangerous to yourself and others--and I do mean others.

Over the years I had played a few shows with a very talented and brilliant artist/scientist named Dave Rand (of Robot Goes Here fame). A few months ago I turn on the TV to see Robot Dave on MSNBC doing an interview. I was surprised, but at the same time not surprised at all. He has been doing research at Harvard on various topics, which believe it or not piques the interest of the media from to time.

On this particular appearance he was relating the findings of a study they conducted that found that being around fat people greatly increased your chances of being fat. They had determined that it wasn't that overweight people tend to associate with other overweight people, but rather that people tend to gain weight due to constant proximity to fat people.

I don't need to get into the health issues caused by obesity. Nor am I claiming that I lead a tremendously healthy lifestyle myself. But I do accept that my lifestyle is in fact unhealthy. Drinking isn't healthy. My lifestyle isn't "okay". I think it's high time we acknowledge being overweight is not okay as well. I don't want a societal crutch, I don't claim I'm afflicted by some "illness".

And that's the problem. If I am an alcoholic I get an open invitation to Alcoholics Anonymous. If I am morbidly obese I get...a handicapped sticker for my car? Perhaps if I am so large that I qualify for a parking sticker that allows me to park next to a building, I shouldn't be using that sticker. Maybe I should be walking the extra thirty yards for a bit of light exercise.

There's an outcry from some in this country that we need plus-sized models. What the hell is that crap? Isn't the controversy around your typical model that she appears to be anorexic and it portrays an unhealthy image to teenage girls?

Having plus-sized models is the same problem, just on the other end of the spectrum. It conveys the message that being overweight is glamorous. We need models that are neither emaciated nor plus-sized. All models should fall within the recommended guidelines of BMI for a woman their age. Get some healthy women up in them bra ads.

The point of models is that we acknowledge they are beautiful. They are supposed to be the closest living thing to beauty and grace personified. They are supposed to be better looking and in better shape than everyone. Once you start making concessions on what a model is, then suddenly you are compromising the American idea of beauty. That is sacrilegious.

We should not be circulating the idea that "Everyone is beautiful". That's patently false. Don't try to make people feel better by bastardizing what attractiveness is. Instead we should have a society that says: "It's okay to be ugly. Most people are and that's perfectly fine." After all, that's the idea we're shooting for.

The difference between ugliness and fatness is that fatness is a bit more tangible. You can really work hard on diet and exercise to address a weight issue. It may not be miraculous, but should be productive.

There are some cosmetic changes you can make to slightly adjust your appearance, but there is a certain level of ugliness or beauty that it is innate to you. Just embrace it. Don't give up on your looks, but don't let it ruin your life either.

Speaking of aesthetics, I've noticed something about cartoons. Any cartoon character is "cute" if they have huge black eyes with a dot of white in them. The larger the black part of the eyes, the cuter the character.

The same doesn't really translate to people. If you have tremendously dilated pupils, you are either very high or having some sort of seizure--maybe an old fashioned concussion. If you walk around like a living anime character, people won't fawn over your cuteness, people may actually be afraid of you.

I hope we've learned a lot today about appearance. I know I have.

Fat Tuesday

2011-03-08T10:00:00.003-05:00

Today is Mardi Gras. Keep your shirt on.

^I've been waiting all year to say that. If you don't get it, you never will.

Mardi Gras is also known as Pancake Tuesday or Fat Tuesday. It is the traditional exercise of eating and drinking liberally before Lent begins the next day. I am always a fan of planned excess in preparation for self-deprivation (see Bachelor Parties/New Year's).

This morning I came up with a couple of movie ideas. The first is a sequel to the heart-touching drama, Pay it Forward. There was only one problem with this movie: that it was sappy crap. The sequel will aim for a totally different demographic, that way we can cash in on people who liked the first Pay it Forward but also sell it to people really into violent, revenge fliks.

As we all know (and if you don't, you're about to) the main character of the film gets stabbed to death at the end, I suppose for ironic purposes. That's where this film picks up. Kevin Spacey's character goes insane from the death of the kid. The paradigm of "paying forward" good acts exponentially gets warped into a new, bloodier philosophy of exponential "payback".

It's ninety minutes styled after the shoot-em-up scene from Taxi Driver. Helen Hunt gets replaced by Salma Hayek or Eva Mendes to appeal to Latin viewers, and the character as a whole is relegated only to sex scene duty.

Working titles: Slay it Forward or Pay it Forward 2: Pay it...IN BLOOD.

The second idea is a bit looser. It revolves around a woman who is a PHD is criminal psychology but works as a nurse in the trauma unit. This one would actually work better as a crime mystery TV show in which she could use her criminal psychology background to solve criminal cases that involve the victims she nurses back to health. The title would be Dr. Nurse and there would be at least one exchange in every episode which highlights the confusion in her being a nurse, yet having title "Dr." She will also be having to constantly explain that she's a PHD, not an MD. This series has spin-off potential in that she could get her law degree and then the show would take a more Matlock, courtroom drama angle. This series would be called Dr. Nurse, Esquire. The role of Dr. Nurse would also be perfect for Salma Hayek or Eva Mendes, maybe whoever didn't get cast in Slay it Forward.

Chernesky out.

PRESS BLAST Flyer for 4/16/11 Available

2011-03-07T22:41:00.006-05:00

I would just like to mention that the picture in this flyer was supplied by The Great and he was very insistent that it go into this flyer. He said it was "dignified". I just want to mention that this was not the design of Schuyster & Niles Marketing Grp. or anyone affiliated with it.

Click the image to see the entire flyer.

As always, if you live in Rochester please feel free to print and distribute these! Thanks.

We're Baaaaaaaaaack

2011-03-07T22:40:00.000-05:00

When I promise something to you tramps, I generally come through.

When I left Potsdam with my tail...well the tail on my hat...tucked between my legs. Actually that didn't happen at all. When I left Potsdam a few weeks ago (with the tail of my hat flowing freely behind me) I swore that I would be back soon to make up for the show that never ended up happening.

And it has happened. Boxcar Records has agreed to host The Great Chernesky at Backstreets Nightclub in Potsdam (yes, the very venue we were supposed to play last time), but this time it WILL be happening. Your patience will be rewarded, Potsdam NY. Please check our calendar for more details about this show.

Philly and I got so amped up by the charubix crowd that assembled in Canton over that last tour that we have already re-booked the same venue. "Thirsty" Thursday April 7th we will be at Partridge Cafe in Canton, NY.

So shove all that into your weed pipe and smoke it. Or hash pipe. Or crack pipe.

Taxes

2011-03-05T00:37:00.000-05:00

I just came back from the bar and the hot topic of discussion there was the federal and potential state cuts to Planned Parenthood (the state I am referencing is NY state). The rationale behind this is that the federal government and state government are "deep in the hole" as we'd say back in Auburn. They are broke. And their solution is to cut beneficial social programs like funding for the arts, social welfare programs, and family planning programs. All of these things have been found to have exponential benefits to society through many studies. I will drag up these studies if necessary.

We're told there will be cuts "across the board" and that we all need to sacrifice. That's the biggest load I've ever heard. We ain't all sacrificing at all. Only lower middle class and below are sacrificing. These programs benefit that demographic. They want to cut education. Brilliant idea. Why not face the facts? The absolute cause of the financial woes of this country are fruitless warfare and tax cuts for the wealthy. Why do everyday people need to sacrifice to afford the wealthy tax cuts?

Saturday evening after my show there was an event I attended in which a drunk man literally screamed at me until 5:30 in the morning about taxes. He claimed he was a tea party sympathizer and that no one likes to pay taxes.

Suck it the hell up. If your biggest problem in life is that you pay an elevated rate of taxes, you don't have problems. We don't need to make sacrifices. We need to cut back military spending and return the wealthy to tax rates equal to or slightly higher than the 1990s.

Even I pay my taxes and I'm a total lowlife. Tomorrow I am going to spend the day filing my taxes and I won't feel a bit of remorse. The tax "increase" I am suggesting is only applicable to income above $250,000/year. So for instance if you happened to make $300,000 in a given year, only $50,000 of that would have the extra 2.5% - 3% higher tax rate. If I made that much money I'd be proud to pay my elevated rate because I'd be giving back to the community, that is if we do still finance charitable endeavors.

I don't want to politicize this issue, but it is predominantly Republicans that feel that taxes are the worst thing ever. This is why everyone hates white people. People starve in this world and all you can care about is your own taxes. Why aren't you thankful? Why don't you thank God, the God you claim you are so beholden to, that you have the means to afford higher taxes? There is nothing Jesus said or did that wasn't rooted in giving back to the poor and expecting nothing in return. And yet such supposedly ethical and God-fearing people seem only concerned with guns and taxes. It's unreal.

These people have taken hold of my beloved Central NY. People like Ann Marie Buerkle, who as far as I'm concerned has lied about being from Auburn just to win an election in a district outside Auburn, and Richard Hanna who currently has Auburn in his death-grip. These people are famously wealthy and complain that taxes strangle our economy. I ask these people one simple request: why don't you spend three nights, three consecutive nights, sleeping on the streets. Experience what it is to be without anything and then stand on the floor of Congress and piss and moan about taxes. Or just interact with men and women who truly have nothing. I do consistently and I do not supposedly represent said people in government.

These politicians, these New Romans, they claim it is out of principle--some distorted notion of work ethic and the "American Dream" that compels them to turn a blind eye to the suffering in their own districts. They want to cut social programs and it's simple why--poor people don't vote for them, poor people aren't their business associates or financiers. Their character is paper-thin, it is just avarice. They live lives of hubris, they are simply greedy people with feigned compassion for those less fortunate than them. They have no real plan to help anyone that isn't already of means. Ann Marie Buerkle married a doctor and divorced him, that is factually a significant source of her wealth. If only we could all be so lucky, such hard-working examples of Republican values. Give me a break.

Pay your taxes, Americans, if your taxes truly go to good. Do all you can to prevent your hard-earned money from bank-rolling warfare and the subsidization of the grossly wealthy. But if your taxes do good, pay them proudly and acknowledge you have the means to do so. The roads we have and the parks we share should be testaments to our collective payments, not checks to banks or missiles over the Middle East. Don't stand and waive a f***ing snake flag and tell me that taxes are evil and un-American. Don't claim to stand on a moral high ground and rebuke those who suffer. It is not American to deprive people of the arts, transportation, contraception, education, recreation, or any aspect of our great society.

And this is why I am here. I come to entertain, but I also come as an ambassador to those Men in the Streets who taught me everything. I am The Great. I will take a Tramp over a politician any day.

Recap

2011-02-28T16:31:00.000-05:00

Well the best laid plans are sort of like the best laid people...really don't have anywhere to go with that.

My intention was to "blog from the road" and write each day of tour. The problem? We didn't end up having internet at any of the places we stayed.

That's fine, I could at least use my phone. Nope, because my phone's touchscreen has gone completely haywire. It will just push buttons on its own at a frenzied pace. It has also placed dozens of calls and sent out gibberish text messages. Though it is entertaining to watch, it makes it completely impossible to use.

So I will do my best to briefly recap all of the things that have happened.

Canton: Canton always seems to pull a good crowd. Partridge Cafe is hands-down one of my favorite places to play and people are ready to have a good time. The illustrious Peter House played lead on a few songs. Very talented musician and all-around good dude. We went out to a bar afterwards and this time no one tried to murder me on my way home from the bar (unlike last time I was there). So as you can tell things started on a high note.

Potsdam: I'd like to apologize to anyone who showed up at Backstreets hoping to see us play. The promoters of the show really s*** the bed on this one. Even though they confirmed us, they failed to ever actually add us to the bill, so when our Potsdam hosts spoke with the venue Friday morning they had no idea what the hell was going on. The long and short of it was there was not a time slot for us and the promoter wasn't going to be present to sort it out. Since the weekly open mic at the local hookah bar was cancelled, they offered to host our act.

With a change in show locale and no internet I needed to get the word out to the masses the only way I knew: radio. I grabbed High 'n Dry and we headed down to WAIH--the radio station at SUNY Potsdam in order to alert the public. I had been interviewed there before, but we had no planned appearance. We more or less occupied the station and was granted an interview and snacks (that we have yet to be reimbursed for). The radio DJ was a very charubix guy and the interview went okay. He explained that it's pronounced "who-kah" not "hook-a" and that there are no prostitutes. It took the wind out of my sails, but was better than being disappointed once I got there.

We ended up being the only people at the hookah bar (and people say radio is a dead medium), so all we did was smoke--and by "smoke" I mean "inhale". The hookah bar offered something called shisha, which is basically wet tea leaves infused with the flavorings of your choice. It doesn't produce smoke and doesn't contain any tar or nicotine. This is why I asked the woman who worked there exactly what verb I should use to describe my relationship to the hookah, to which I was told the term is "inhaling". I asked what effect I should expect it to have on me, and I was told "none".

And none it did have. But it was a pleasant experience as we had a TGC blend: tropical punch, guava, and cranberry. Though I have inhaled air before, I have never done so in this manner so we'll file this under a "new experience". It was enjoyable as we were joined by Ryan Ashe of Letters fame. We decided to cut our losses and hit the road to Plattsburgh early. As an aside I want to mention that this Potsdam thing has been a bit of a victory of failure for our dear booking whatever Francis Huetzhollow. Since we had set up this date and not him, though he won't admit it, I believe him him to be overjoyed that it fell through as if it is some evidence that validates his existence. Go to hell.

Plattsburgh: Longest day I've had in a while. We got up and were ushered off to an interview with some magazine. After that we had to meet up with the camera crew who followed us all day and some of the night. I had to stop in to many local businesses to shake hands with employees who maybe had half an ounce of charisma between all of them.

High 'n Dry's art show at the ROTA Gallery was a success--for me. I played a few songs and answered some general questions. The show at Cheechako Taco, as I remember it, went well. I am interested to see how the day's footage will be distilled into some sort of video or project or whatever. I am not entirely clear on what that was all about as I was distracted with bringing entertainment to the people of that cold, despaired city.

Right now I'm attempting to get back into the swing of things. We'll catch up later.

Chernesky out.

North to Freedom

2011-02-23T23:13:00.000-05:00

Well I just about packed up Dusty, the vehicle that will take us to our four appearances in three days. In case you've somehow managed to not notice, this weekend we are hitting up Canton (Thurs.), Potsdam (Fri.), and Plattsburgh (Sat.) NY in what I am calling "North to Freedom".

These are three cities I have grown to love playing in, for enthusiastic and hearty tramps. I expect none the less. If you live in or near any of these places check the tour calendar here for more details of our performances. Hell, Philly even has an art showing in Plattsburgh early Saturday evening.

As per tradition, I will be blogging from the road for all of you who are not so honored by our presence.

Chernesky out!

PRESS BLAST The Great Chernesky featured in 'The Burgh' Newspaper

2011-02-22T10:41:00.007-05:00

**Click on an image to view full-size.**

Super Bowl Cooking 2011

2011-02-19T15:02:00.000-05:00

Sorry it took so long to post. Made this vid Super Bowl Sunday.

Super Bowl Cooking 2011

Pride

2011-02-19T11:36:00.001-05:00

Video Responses to "Tears"

2011-02-19T10:40:00.000-05:00

As you may know, my instructional series on the old tramp songs hasn't hardly been out a couple weeks, but there have already been some soul-lifting renditions of "Tears". Take a gander below.

I Know it's Been a While

2011-02-19T10:33:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed it has been a little bit quiet on the blog front. That is because we have had all hands on deck preparing for tour.

I'm going to post a whole bunch of crap today in a lame, deadbeat father-esque attempt to make it up to all you tramps. We'll get you up to speed on what's been going on, and what's coming down the pipe.

PRESS BLAST Interpretation for the Deaf Announced for 2/26 Plattsburgh Show

2011-02-09T09:30:00.003-05:00

It has come to our attention that there is a large and robust deaf community in Plattsburgh, NY. In order to accommodate our hearing impaired friends, Schuyster & Niles Marketing Grp. has hired a deaf interpreter for the performance at Cheechako Taco on Saturday, February 26th.

We hope to see you all at the show. If you have an concerns about accessibility or accommodations at upcoming performances, please do not hesitate to contact me: francis@chernesky.org.

Tears

2011-02-07T23:40:00.001-05:00

I've started a new video project in which I really want to share those old tramp songs of Auburn with those who may not be familiar with myself or the area.

It seems like "folk" music has lost its roots. It used to be a a fixture of community and culture, but now more and more artists simply call themselves "folk musicians" while they write and sell albums. To me folk music is a shared resource: something given and passed around society, a form of expression and grit that can be played by anyone and can take on many styles. It is malleable and can be changed as necessary.

It is important for me to sing these Auburn hymns, I want to make them famous--larger than myself (which is a hard feat to accomplish). I want all of you tramps to learn these songs and feel like they are partly your own. As they were given to me, I want to pass them to you and possibly you will pass them on yourself. Sing, O weary Americans!

You don't need to be from Auburn to appreciate the place. You don't need to be homeless to stand in solidarity with the men on the street. This is what it's all about.

Francis Fails 4 Life

2011-02-03T17:58:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a man that lives with regret. I tend to not really sweat the often-severe ramifications of my actions.

However today I have had some regret. I mainly regret giving Francis Huetzhollow access to this blog, but on top of that, encouraging him to put press releases and booking-related announcements on here.

You would think a man that has grown up in the computer age, a man who has a Blackberry phone, a man who does our website for God's sake, could operate a simple blog.

Basically the long and the short of it is that yesterday Francis went to update the Show Schedule at the top of the blog to reflect our upcoming appearance at the Rota Gallery in Plattsburgh, NY on February 26th and suddenly all the posts on the blog now say they were written by Francis Huetzhollow. I have no idea how in the hell he managed that one.

After an hour or so it was Philly that sorted it all out. Congratulations, Francis, an art school dropout is more computer literate than you.

Anyway check out the details for the Rota Gallery showing, as this blog was nearly destroyed to post it.

Chernesky out.

PRESS BLAST The Great Chernesky will be hosting an Art Show in Plattsburgh, NY 2/26/11

2011-02-01T15:04:00.003-05:00

Today it has been confirmed that The Great Chernesky will be hosting an arts and crafts event in Plattsburgh, NY on February 26th, 2011 at the Rota Gallery (19 Clinton St. Plattsburgh, NY) from 5:00 - 7:00pm.

The event will feature hand-crafted goods and artwork by "High 'n Dry" Philly Phillips as well as many items created by The Great himself. All goods will be available for sale and there will be some items put up for silent auction.

There is no cost to attend and the public is encouraged to go. The Great will be doing a meet and greet in preparation for his performance later that evening at Cheechako Taco (see details of that performance under "Show Schedule" above).

A Turn in Luck?

2011-01-31T18:31:00.000-05:00

Lately I have laid rather low, held in check by a streak of moderate bad luck. Well it seems ol' Lady Luck may have warmed up to me--she must be getting desperate.

Last night my sources (which I do have) informed me that there were Grey Goose reps down at the bar giving out free vodka. Like a flash I was down there, but alas was too late. I demanded my free vodka from the bartender (who might I add looks exactly like Erin from "The Office") only to learn there was none left.

I was so angry I spat. It felt like I spat. I may have just spat a little in my own mouth. However before I got too agitated, the very charubix barkeep consoled me by mentioning that since it was the owner's dog's birthday, everyone gets a drink on the house. Hot dog!

I mean it does explain the reason a dog with a glow stick wrapped around its torso was scampering around the bar amidst a tray of cupcakes marked with his namesake. A near-crisis turned into a free whiskey sour. I slept sound last night knowing that life was gravitating more towards as it should be.

That notion was seconded as I hopped onto the bus this morning. I was late for it and did my patented bus-catching move: jay walking in front of the bus so it has to stop then proceeding to get on it. This was a close one, but I made it. As I rush up the step to pay my fare I look up to see none other than my favorite driver who commented, "Close one today."

A feeling of relief immediately took hold of me, not because I had made the bus, but because the driver was back. I hadn't mentioned this, but ever since my misinterpreted compliment to the bus company, I had been fearing this man had been fired or re-assigned. With each passing day I became more and more resolved that some horrible professional consequence had been forced on the greatest driver this city has ever seen--and that it was all my fault. Every day I'd see the doors open to new drivers, people I had never even seen before, and who were the shameful reminders that I had accidentally let down one of my greatest allies.

I think, in hindsight, he had just gone on vacation. He constantly talks about the cold weather and either advises us as we get off to "think of summer" or informs us of other places that have worse weather right now. He may have just taken a short retreat from the brutal cold we've been experiencing.

Now that my BAC and morning commute had received some good fortune, I could once again observe and enjoy all the urban Kabuki that is my bus ride.

The two rows in front of me, and one across from them were occupied by just three guys, each stretched out leisurely taking up two seats to himself. In case you were wondering, there were far too many people on the bus to make this acceptable. I am very sorry I did not hear the conversation all three men were having across the aisle, I only caught two of them saying goodbye to the third, who was clad in puffy, green winter gear from head to toe. He looked like a mashup of an eskimo and The Riddler. He smirked slightly at both of them and took quite a while navigating off the bus, as he was a good twice his normal girth thanks to his padded ski jacket and he just sort of bounced between various bus obstacles and people.

When he was not yet off the bus, but clearly out of earshot I heard one of the two remaining men somberly comment, "I don't know what has gotten into him." This is why I wished I had heard more of their conversation, because the man in question seemed like a perfectly jovial guy to me. He had a bit of a juvenile quality for a grown man, mainly because he was decked out like Ralphie's little brother in "A Christmas Story", and his innocuous appearance is why I mentally played devil's advocate for him in my silent reaction to these two men.

The two men left seated on the bus briefly exchanged laments about the lowly state this man had apparently stumbled into, and the overall gist was that this was a recent occurrence. I still couldn't figure out what grounds these men had for being so disgusted with this guy.

It was just like movie timing: the instant they finish griping about the guy who got off the bus I hear this loud shouting mixed with laughter from the street. The actual statement was inaudible, but the volume of the exclamation was loud enough to be heard inside the running bus, and the playful tone and chuckles that accompanied were nonetheless discernible. I look out my window to see four or five women who were walking up the sidewalk, presumably to work, (the block this stop is on has a school, a library, and a hospital so it is very busy in the morning with people walking to work) who were really hoofing it up the street and mutually held looks of pure disgust on their faces.

Between their soured disposition, their quick pace, and their collective forward lean beneath the straps of their pocketbooks, the group appeared more like oxen than businesswomen. As the bus pulled forward, I turned in my seat to see who was the source of the ruckus these women were fleeing from.

Lo and behold it was the man in green winter attire. He was watching them in their hasty retreat with a smile so wide I am not sure how it fit on his face, gyrating with his pelvis the entire time. His hips swiveled from side to side and a bit forward and back. His arms were extended out on either side with his hands in open fists. Though he didn't move his arms much, as his waist circled around in its thrusting motion, they tended to rotate in a counter-motion. The whole thing looked like a perverted rendition of the cabbage patch.

I looked up to see the two men sitting in their seats, watching him with both disgust and reassertion that they were in fact right for looking down on him.

Yep, that's gonna be the start to my day.

Chernesky out.

It's Not the Cold, It's the Humidity That Gets You

2011-01-25T09:29:00.001-05:00

Coldest day of the year so far. When I woke up it was negative eight--and that's Farenheit for all you metric users. As you can imagine, it was a struggle to leave my home.

Every once in a while I try to pass on some positive energy in this world. It works maybe four percent of the time. This particular example is a long story and I will do my best to keep it as brief as possible.

The beginning of the year introduced a new bus schedule for my bus, which sadly took me a whole week to realize. Once I got the schedule down, I couldn't help but notice that my bus wasn't coming. At first I chalked it up to me being late, but I went out the stop earlier each day--even going so far as to be at my stop before the route was scheduled to start.

So I called the transit authority (which sounds a lot cooler than it is). They checked their GPS records and informed me this particular bus is sent out in the suburbs before my route and is not getting back into the city in anywhere near enough time to make the route (we're talking thirty minutes late). It actually comes down my street after the next scheduled bus, which I have been taking for weeks now. The customer service rep said they would work on it, and to let them know if the bus keeps not showing up at the correct time.

Well it hasn't been, and though I have learned to live with it, I am concerned others may not know the situation and may stand out in the freezing cold for nothing. So I filled out the form on the site. Under "Type of Correspondence" I chose "other" and titled the email Half Complaint/Half Compliment.

What is the compliment? The driver of the next bus is a legitimately awesome dude. He wears bus-driving gloves and calls out every stop as we approach it--something none of the other drivers do. He's friendly and just all around the best bus driver I've ever had the pleasure of riding with. I had been wanting to compliment them on this guy for a while, and figured this was the perfect opportunity--it may even out the b****ing I was about to lay on them.

I wrote up this whole email about how the bus was coming late and that I knew why it was coming late but was just giving them a head's up. Then I clearly mentioned the driver of the next bus is a kick-ass gentleman and gave the bus number and a vague description of him, telling them to keep up the good work.

This is the response I receive two days later:

Dear Mr. Chernesky:

Thank you for taking the time to contact Regional Transit Service regarding
your complaint against the bus driver. Please accept our apologies for any
inconvenience that may have been caused by the #5 bus being late. I will
forward this complaint to his supervisor for proper actions.

I would be more then happy to provide you with additional information if needed.
You can reach me at our Customer Service office at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Again Mr. Chernesky, thank you for allowing me to assist you in this matter.

Sincerely,

********* *******
RTS Customer Service Representative

Unreal. Now the greatest bus driver I've ever had is going to get yelled at for being late, even though his bus isn't late at all. I responded to the email, but it doesn't seem to go to the guy that sent it. There's my demotivation for a while.

Speaking of demotivational things on the bus, the woman I sat next to this morning was having quite the charubix phone conversation. She got on and sat next to me, most likely because all women find me attractive. She was a larger lady, and though she didn't over-step the boundaries of the seat, she basically occupied as much space as she could without actually having any part of her touch me.

She then proceeded to place a phone call to a man who she apparently is having an affair with. Correction, he is having an affair with her. Though she has two kids and was married she "got her papers, so [she's] all set." She said it as if it was some mutual errand and that she had done her end of and was just waiting on him. Apparently his divorce, if forthcoming, will have to be initiated by his wife because this woman asked him if his wife had gotten the papers.

I know these days affairs aren't all that uncommon, but I am not sure if I had ever heard everyday conversation between a man and his mistress. My only frame of reference is movies, and the conversations in those are very different. Usually the guy says: "Why are you calling me at home?!" In this case this woman was asking him if his wife wondered who was texting him all night.

There were several winning lines from this conversation, including him giving her advice on raising her son, but the best by far was "I'm too old to have anymore kids...unless you want to have one. Do you?" Good grief.

As I sat there I wondered if I am not actually visible to all people. I thought maybe I am like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense, and some day I will piece together that I am actually a ghost--which will explain a lot.

Chernesky out

The Swears

2011-01-21T13:40:00.000-05:00

Any of you who ride any bus or shuttle know that some drivers play the radio on the bus, maybe even your bus driver does the thing. But does your driver play "Ooh la la la" by Teena Marie?

In case you haven't heard it, this is it.

I guess the more important question is, does your driver sing "Ooh la la la" by Teena Marie? Because that's how it went down for me today. I got to tell you, it's a rather ambitious song to undertake, and she fell welllllllll short. I really can't be one to critique singing, but I mean this was brutal.

Today I thought about the first time I can remember actually swearing. When I was about seven I watched "Little Shop of Horrors", which was aptly named because it did horrify me at the time. There was one line in it that stood out to me (besides the famous "Feed me, Seymour!"), it was when they electrocute the plant and he screams "Oh Sh**!". For whatever reason, it really made an impression on my young mind.

Within ten minutes of the film ending I had locked myself in the bathroom, in which I delivered the line over and over again. I opened the door to find my father waiting with the ass-whooping of a lifetime.

But a good lickin' ain't never taught me a thing in this life. First thing Monday morning I am in my second grade classroom and I have assembled a good eight of my classmates around me as I talked at length about this giant mutant flytrap. Then I paused dramatically and with poise and assertion beyond my years I belted out "Oh Sh**!"

My teacher was as pleased as my father was and repercussions were handed down. However it safe to say that was the nexus of my foul mouth. And I have never looked back.

Chernesky out.

Movie Pitch

2011-01-20T16:00:00.000-05:00

So I have an idea for a movie, but I ain't no movie studio so I am putting it out there in the wild in case somehow it gets to those who have decision-making power on upcoming films.

It's a romantic comedy...with a twist. It's about a good looking, but quirky woman (like all romantic comedies with a female protagonist) who becomes enamored with this handsome and charming man. Here's the catch: he is married.

So she hatches a plan to pretend she is married to convince the handsome man and his wife to become swingers so she can bang him out. So she enlists her geek-chic, slacker male friend to pretend he is her husband so they can befriend the couple and ease them into the swinger lifestyle. Now a subplot is that the best friend always had a thing for the main character, so his heart really isn't in this, but he wants to help her and would obviously take the handsome man's wife over nothing.

Hilarity ensues, obviously, as strange circumstances unfold. Now here comes the real twist. The woman never gets to have sex with the handsome man. The other obvious conclusion would be that by pretending to be married to her friend she sees the merits in him and they end up actually getting married. This is not also the case.

As the courtship of the couple continues, the best friend bonds further and further with the handsome man. The women also grow very close. In the end all the lies are exposed and the marriage and the friendship dissolve, leaving the two guys friends and the two women friends. It will be called "The Swap"--a reference to wife-swapping but also foreshadowing the ending in which the *friends* actually swap.

Now make it happen.

Chernesky out.

Return of The Look

2011-01-20T09:28:00.000-05:00

Today I may have had one of the lower moments in my life, depending on what your definition of "low" is. I gave incorrect directions to a blind woman.

I was walking to my bus stop and I saw an older woman standing with a bewildered look on her face. She swiveled from side to side, arms spread apart in mid-air, with her eyes stretched almost as wide as they'd go. Well I misread all of this as the woman being particularly lost, but in reality it was all just an indication of vision impairment.

As the samaritan I am, I approached her:

Hey lady, are you looking for something?

Poor choice of words. Looking generally involves sight. The woman paused for quite a while sort of looking at me. In hindsight, I believe it was because she probably felt she had a good idea of where she needed to go, but decided I would know better. Big mistake.

She was en route to the eye doctor--of course. Sometimes life is just too obvious. I informed her that though I had been by where she was talking about, it was one of the few places in the area I don't know how to get to well. Well that all somehow got lost in the wash of our conversation and the next thing I know I'm giving her some pretty direct and specific directions on how to go to this eye doctor.

She thanked me, and remarked on all the "nice" people she encounters in our community and hobbled away in the direction I sent her. Did I mention she also hobbled? Yeah, she did.

It was at that moment that I realized that she was blind as a bat. Not in the sense of the expression, but maybe more literally "blind as a bat". From my understanding bats aren't completely blind, they just can't really see much at all. I mean they have eyes, for cryin out loud, they must be able to see something. I like to think of this woman as Mrs. Magoo, with the crucial exception that she, at least this once, doesn't always accidentally go exactly where she needs to.

A few moments later I happened to look up the eye doctor's address on my phone, which would have been a remarkably intelligent thing to do at the time of my conversation with the blind woman. As I had originally thought, I didn't have a very good understanding of where this building was and had oriented her in the exact opposite direction that she should have been going.

After that I felt a bit out of sorts. I thought about that women hobbling around in the cold, feeling around in vain for an eye doctor's office that wasn't there. I dwelled a bit imagining the moment she would realize that she had been lead astray and if she would curse me and no longer think of our neighborhood as nice, or maybe just pat down her frayed, yarn-like hair in disgust.

I just kind of meandered on my way to the bus stop, thinking of the old blind woman. Those bad feelings passed quickly though as I saw a straight-fit woman in some of the tightest jeans I have seen all week. It was a situation in which I had been staring for quite some time before I realized what I was staring at, as this image quickly brushed away the unattractive, sightless, old woman from my mind. Now I was in full gear, taking in as much as I could--I even stopped walking and just stood in place to maximize my short oggling time.

I look up and who the hell do I see? The friggin' Dirty-Look woman. The timing was cinema-esque: as the attractive woman passes out of frame, it revealed that horrible woman with her eyes again locked right on me. Somehow she mustered a scowl worse than before, most likely because she has come to know me as a repeat offender. Her entire face was drawn into this very long, reviled expression.

Again I looked back, delving into her ashen eyes with a defiant stare. As she looked at me, her head weightlessly drifted from side to side in a disappointed shake. This was a much more awkward encounter because not only was her glare much colder, but because I stood motionless in a fairly busy walkway. People navigated around me on either side, looking at her and back at me again, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

What are the odds? It's as if old women exist in my life as karmic enforcers that both test my integrity and are ever-present to shoot me dirty looks. I hopped on the bus and went home. I didn't leave my house the rest of the night.

-Chernesky out!

Pictures Courtesy of Darcel Downing

2011-01-19T18:38:00.001-05:00

These are pics from the performance on 10/2/10 in Potsdam, NY at the Half-WAIH House.

Matt Hall & High 'n Dry

High 'n Dry doing art of the lovely Meghan

Your American Wolf, rockin' hard

The Sadness

2011-01-12T20:53:00.003-05:00

This morning's bus trip took ninety minutes in total. Thanks to wintery conditions, I had to wait forty minutes for the bus to arrive, and then the normal fifteen minute ride became a fifty minute ride.

Most days a very charubix man is also at the stop with me. We have light conversation, mostly about buses--their comings and goings, clientele, and the overall ride experience. Sometimes, like today, we speak about the weather and of different cities and their respective weathers. Other times we will talk about work and how we'd like to stay at home all day, but how infeasible it would be to do so. As you can tell, we're not really engaging in spectacular discourse here.

I don't actually ride the same bus as this charubix gentleman, however our buses come within a few minutes of each other, so on average we spend about five to ten minutes with one another on any given morning. Today it was over four times that. Those extra minutes really allow you to get below the surface a bit more. I suppose that's why when so many couples move in together, they can't stand each other.

If you haven't pieced it together yet, I don't know this guy's name. For the purpose of our relationship, it doesn't really matter. He is a pretty upbeat guy in his own sort of way, he usually wears this three-quarters smile that persists even though he has a pretty bad stutter. It's not your typical stutter either, he doesn't just repeat the first syllable of a word over and over, he'll just start to say a word and stop at some point in the middle and start it all over again. For instance:

Normal stutter: I was d-d-d-downtown yesterday.
Bus-Stop stutter: I was down--downtown yesterday.

And if you're a know-it-all don't bother diagnosing it in the comments, no one cares. So anyhow, about twenty-five minutes into our wait he had gotten right into the heart of bitching about how cold and snowy it was. Then he pivoted his head towards me, his ever-present smirk gleamed, and he muttered (children cover your eyes):

Perfect weather for eatin' pussy.

It was an incredibly and uncharacteristically distinct statement. For that one utterance, his speech impediment magically lifted and he channeled his best dictation. After delivering this line he didn't move any part of his body, but froze completely and looked into my eyes, his own eyes reflecting the s***-eating grin on his face. Every ounce of his body language shouted: "You know what I mean?". He apparently picked up by the look on my face that I understood fully and hopped back onto the stoop of the corner store, laughing his ass off.

I began to laugh. We all laughed. It felt like the neighborhood was laughing with us and there was some populist sentiment rising from the snow-piled and gridlocked street declaring it officially "pussy-eating weather". I still can't get over the confidence and yet lack of logic in that statement. I think, however, at this moment we officially became friends.

It wasn't even five minutes later that a car driving by swerved over to our bus stop and rolled down the window. It was a crappy sedan, and the wheels spun fruitlessly trying to grip any sort of traction in the road. The driver leaned across the lap of the bulbous (and flashy-dressed) woman in the passenger seat and shouted at the man next to me:

Hey, can I buy another rip off you?

The man stood there and stared blankly into the car. The driver impatiently prodded the silence with questioning sounds about whether or not he could buy anything off him. I am not normally an empathetic person, but even I couldn't help but think: Are you seriously asking him in front of me?

The man at my bus stop just feigned ignorance and quietly replied:

I don't have nothing on me.

This incited the fat woman in the passenger seat who screeched out her window:

You don't know who I am?

The man remained motionless with his blank stare, the intonation in his voice was just as blank. He hesitated for several long seconds and muttered:

No.

The woman readjusted herself in her seat, shifting most of her weight to her left and used her now more mobile right arm to make some self-indicating gesture out the window.

What's my name, then?

I could tell the guy was perturbed by this very public scene, yet you'd never guess it as he remained pretty emotionless. He paused again, this time as long as humanly possible:

...No.

The man in the driver's seat laughed. Why not? Nothing else would have made sense. Then the car spun its wheels some more and slowly slid away. The guy turned back to me and we resumed our conversation as if nothing had happened at all.

Unless there are many stuttering men with furry-hats that would make Terrell Owens jealous, I can't imagine this guy was mistaken for someone else. I think it is probably safe to say this guy is a drug dealer. Regardless, he's still pretty pleasant to hang out with in the morning. That was just the start to my rather long day.

Unlike my day, I will make this brief. Today, I took a "health assessment". Why on earth would I do this? Because I was getting paid to do it.

Schuyster & Niles Marketing Group, the think-tank booking company that employs Francis, has deemed it important that I am physically able to tour the shows they are booking me this year. They said they would deposit $125 (pre-tax, whatever the hell that means) in my tour fund if I met with this nurse and did a health assessment.

It's pretty standard stuff. Height, weight, pulse, blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol (however they had to stab me several times because they said I wasn't bleeding enough blood to give them a reading, which mildly concerned them). I could almost taste the cash, that isn't really cash, but allocated funds towards visiting all you idiots. Then came the survey.

I had to go on the internet and take an insanely long survey in which I had to plug in the numbers from all those tests, as well as answer ridiculous questions about my lifestyle and diet. When it was through computing things, along came my results. It claimed I was depressed. It offered me ways to deal with depression. I am not depressed, but even if I was, you better believe I'd know how to deal with it: drinking.

I bet you can see what its next axe to grind was. Yep, my drinking. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't indignant with all involved--oh and I have too much sun exposure on my skin.

I called up Francis to bitch about how depressed and how much of an alcoholic his company's stupid test claims I am. I was starting to accept my fate and actually did start to feel depressed. He had no sympathy to spare for The Great. He said that a man should only drink two drinks or less per day. Who on earth does that?

He talked about the wonders of eating oatmeal to lower one's cholesterol and about going to bed in a reasonable fashion so that one can wake up with time to make the oatmeal that will lower one's cholesterol. If you haven't guessed it, the "one" is me. He said that since I drink myself to sleep, I don't get rest and get up late and then it all snowballs. This adds up to a fully dysfunctional lifestyle. If you haven't figured it out, it's diatribes like this that are the reason no women sleep with him.

Now the powers that be want me to take yoga because it will help me manage my 'anxiety'. I have some anxiety, but not because I am a depressed person or because I don't eat that much oatmeal, it's because I answered a lot of questions on the survey in a way that I found humorous at the time, but aren't particularly accurate about my current condition.

For instance, on the question that asked if I ever feel lightheaded or a pressure in my chest when I have stressful thoughts I answered "Yes". I thought it was funny, but alas I have never experienced anything like that. They asked if I ever felt as if people didn't like me, to which I replied that I know people don't like me. This isn't depressed paranoia, this is a legitimate fact. There is written proof of this in bad reviews I get. It never asked if I care about it, it just asked if I feel I am disliked by people. In this case I have to be honest, but another red flag.

The assessment was littered with crap like this. Either over-simplified questions that I answered honestly, or dramatic questions that I BS'ed. I never really thought it mattered.

Oh but it does to some. Schuyster & Niles said if I want to tour I have to do yoga classes to manage my "anxiety". So I'm off to yoga classes. Good grief.

Bus Rant

2011-01-10T10:54:00.001-05:00

This morning I heard an especially amazing rant on the bus. From the moment I set foot on the bus to the moment I stepped off, all I heard was one woman's voice. She was basically screaming about how she doesn't like that the property manager just keeps entering her apartment, and she isn't exactly sure what he even needs to do. Finally after about ten minutes, I decided to record some of it. As I listened to it, I realized a nice piano bed would accentuate its true, reflective, and poetic essence.

I call this "Plain and Simple" after the last line. You can listen to it here.

For your reference, here is a transcript of the lyrics:

I flip s*** cause that is crazy.
And then my friends think that is actually funny.
No it's not.
That s*** is not funny.
No it ain't.
You know you gotta come home.
Well you know he gotta come home, too.
He'd be stabbed the f*** up, too.
But it seems like he's doing it on purpose.
Instead of him telling him, when the man's being there.
Cause we be in there sometimes and he come in.
Instead of him telling him,
"Don't come in there unless you got a note on the door a day ahead of time."
You understand?
He don't tell him that, he thinks it's a joke.
And Rocko keeps telling him, like--
Last week he asks Rocko. He says,
"Why does your worker keep walking in my apartment?"
He says he will let him know: "Don't walk in."
I said, "Well take the keys from him or something, or change the locks."
The locks have already been changed, so where the f*** is he getting these keys?
It's like Rocko is trying to set him up--me up.
And I'd stab him up too.
From where I stand, cause I figure he sends a motherf****** rapist after me because I'm a pretty girl.
You get what I'm saying?
He's like a child molester. Plain and simple.

You Know We Went Hunting

2011-01-09T22:26:00.000-05:00

Bathroom Talk

2011-01-08T01:55:00.002-05:00

Grafitti as an art-form has always intrigued me. I've liked the idea of displaying art in a setting other than museums. This could stem from my hatred for such "privileged" settings, but that is either here nor there. What I feel the most underrated form of graffitti happens to be found exclusively in public bathrooms. It is so raw, and the art doesn't really have to be talented or good to get the message across, plus it is mostly misogynist and homophobic. There is a basic and rudementary (emphasis on rude) equation that this grafitii follows. Noun is awesome -> Noun is (awesome crossed out) gay or sucks -> rinse and repeat. And this can go on forever. This then brings up the unanswered question as to why do so many people carry sharpies with them. I pondered this for a long time until I myself partook in some bathroom art myself. One day, long ago in by Art School days, I was in a bathroom when I noticed on the wall "Privilege is Awesome." Naturally I had a Sharpie, and in turn crossed out awesome and replaced it with "Gay." A cathartic feeling of pride washed over me for the rest of the day and into the next, until I returned to said bathroom. Privileges name had been crossed out and replaced with "Philly" so it now read "Philly is Gay." Livid, I scratched the whole thing out and under it wrote, "Privilege is a HACK and CAN'T DRAW!" I felt mildly better after writing this, but the feeling did not last long, because the next day the graffiti had been added to once again. What I had written lay untouched, but under it was added, " I know, :) Isn't that birthmark above Jenny's naval cute?" Oh, yeah I forgot to add, this was in Jenny's bathroom.

The Warning Signs of Depression

2011-01-06T16:08:00.002-05:00

So the 2010 NFL Regular Season is in the history books, and I'm sure you're all anxious to see the results of my great experiment. For those of you not privy to my NFL prediction experiment this season, I predicted the winners of various NFL games and also used a coin to predict the same games. This was after wondering if a coin could do as good a job as I could at predicting winners.

Not only could a coin never replace the swagger or quasi-science I bring to picking NFL games, but over the course of the season it didn't stack up.

Chernesky's final record: 109-69 (61.24%)
Coin's final record: 88-90 (49.44%)

I wasn't tremendous, but I was better than even odds. There's always next season.

Back in August I wrote an entry about how I had come across Sexaholics Anonymous' criteria for warning signs of sex addictions, and basically realized it applied to most of the people I know (and yes I had to go back through articles to figure out when the hell it was).

Well today I was reading an article on the "Warning Signs of Depression". I had a near-flashback as I realized this list describes pretty much every woman I've ever had anything to do with...possibly to a "T":

Warning Signs of Depression

1. Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings

2. Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or helplessness

3. Frequent crying episodes

4. Increased agitation and restlessness

5. Fatigue and decreased energy

6. Loss of interest in activities or hobbies that once were pleasurable [Ed. note: ie. "Sex"]

7. Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

8. Sleeping too much or not enough

9. Poor appetite or overeating

10. Expressing thoughts of dying or suicide

11. Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that don’t ease with treatment

Source: Care2.

It's uncanny.

Chernesky out!

To Cover Leonard Cohen, I Need to Become Leonard Cohen

2011-01-04T16:33:00.002-05:00

Well the world-burner that is my booking agent Francis has really been on a tear to start off 2011. He must feel badly about a few poorly-orchestrated appearances that didn't pan out at the end of last year and has decided the best remedy is to accept every offer regardless of its relevance to us.

Why do I bring this up?

About a month ago I received a call from Mr. Huetzhollow saying he received an offer for me to play in a tribute to Leonard Cohen that is being held here in Rochester. Several artists will be covering his songs, poems, and monologues and they wondered if I would play.

My response to Francis was simple: I barely know who Leonard Cohen is. I have only ever heard (note: 'heard' and not 'know how to play') one of his songs, "Everybody Knows", because it was in a Canadian movie about strippers I once saw. By the way, that movie was a pretty significant let-down. I asserted that I'm sure some other artist was doing "Everybody Knows" and I lack the appropriate Leonard Cohen chops to do him service regardless.

Somehow this somehow translated in his mind as "I will attend and play "Everybody Knows", unless that is taken, and then I will learn something else and still play." He accepts the offer. Doesn't tell me (the official story is he believed I was 'copied' into the emails he was exchanging with the guy booking the show).

Weeks pass and I receive an email from the promoter of the tribute asking me which Leonard Cohen song I was playing, because the show is this Friday. You can imagine my confusion as to why this was happening.

So without further ado, I am pleased to announce I will be performing at the Leonard Cohen Tribute this Friday (1/7/11). The details are above under "Show Schedule". If you're in the Rochester area, it actually should be a respectable event and I encourage you to go. I have no idea if Leonard Cohen will be there or not.

I have spent the last day learning all about Leonard Cohen and trying to get inside his head. His music definitely isn't bad, and he kind of looks like an older, jewish Anthony Bordain. I have done research and learned "In My Secret Life". All this work because Francis is an idiot. Or maybe he is smarter than I think. I have entertained the idea that he has seen to it that I play this because he wants me to pay tribute to a fellow Jew, or 'Judist'. I believe Judist may be the correct nomenclature.

I may bust on Francis, but it's only because of my business-love for him. He did a bang up job on the new website, and even learned how to schedule a blog post so it would come out on January 1st. Bravo. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out: www.Chernesky.org.

Chernesky out!

NFL Predictions - Week 17

2011-01-02T16:08:00.000-05:00

Cumulative Record: 101-62
Coin: 82-81

Well it's garbage time folks. Almost the entire playoff picture has been determined, so strap in for a week of benched starters in a lot of games. In others, expect players playing for a job next season. This is a brutal week to make picks, but here goes nothing.

FALCONS over Panthers
Bengals over RAVENS
Steelers over BROWNS
Vikings over LIONS
CHIEFS over Raiders
PATRIOTS over Dolphins
SAINTS over Bucs
Chargers over BRONCOS
PACKERS over Bears
Jaguars over TEXANS
COLTS over Titans
EAGLES over Cowboys
49ERS over Cardinals
Giants over REDSKINS
Rams over SEAHAWKS

New Year. Same Deal.

2011-01-01T21:14:00.001-05:00

That's right. I got a cape.

PRESS BLAST Chernesky.org Releases a New Look for the New Year

2011-01-01T00:00:00.003-05:00

We have fully re-designed Chernesky.org for 2011!

Check it out today, and don't forget to print off your Chernesky hymnal and practice up those old Auburn songs for the next time you see the Tramps live!

Happy New Year.

-FDH

Sickness

2010-12-30T15:58:00.001-05:00

I have been home sick for two days. I have a sore throat that I assume is what is called "strep throat". The only other thing it could be is chlamydia and in that case this is the public warning to all the women I've been with. Gotcha, bitches.

When you get time off from work there is a list of things you've always wanted to do, but couldn't because you were stuck at work. The problem is when you are home sick, your illness prevents most of those things. In my case I realized the only thing I really felt like doing was playing hours of Madden '09 on the Wii. Though I didn't want to, I went out to the store yesterday because I realized that I needed what is known as a "humidifier".

I had been waking up the past few nights with a painfully dry throat, and have it on good authority that a humidifier makes the air less dry, and thereby more breathable. I also needed more Nyquil because someone (I am not sure who) drank all mine. Recently we had a robot-themed party and there was a great debate as to whether or not robo-tripping fell under the theme. I have no idea where we landed on that, but regardless it is all gone.

Anyway I sprung for the alcohol-free Nyquil for one reason and one reason only: the label listed "sore throat" as one of the symptoms it relieved, whereas the normal kind didn't. I'm sure it was just an oversight on the packaging, but I'm not going to take any chances. I was cashed out by the spitting image of Michael Oher in "The Blind Side", and after scanning each side of the humidifier (there were six sides in total) in a feeble attempt to register the barcode, he ID'ed me for the Nyquil.

Are you for reals, Blind Side? I thought.

It clearly said alcohol-free on the label and I have a full grown beard anyways. Why am I getting ID'ed by this cherubix man for some simple medicine? Clearly I am ill, the only things I am purchasing are a humidifier, wellness supplements, and this alcohol-free Nyquil. But apparently this is where we've come to in society. ID'ing sick men for their Nyquil and putting anti-theft sensors on baby formula.

By the way, the Nyquil was a hit. I was rollin' like a regular Fanduke. I have come to a place in my life in which I enjoy and savor both the smell and taste of Nyquil. Don't judge me.

Now we're on to day two of my sick leave. I tried to sleep all day, but could only sleep till about noon. I was tired of the poorly thought out 2009 version of Madden and was starting to go stir crazy. I realized that aside from the Michael Oher look alike, I had had no real human contact the last few days. I started calling people, but most people are at work or busy. I tried Marco Polio, who was recording.

I called Francis at his work number; got the bastard. I told him all about how I was ill with strep and/or chlamydia. He said he couldn't scientifically justify how I could have contracted chlamydia and asked why I thought I had it. I informed him that I saw an episode of Degrassi the Next Generation in which Emma had a sore throat and discovered that she had chlamydia. He claims I don't know what I'm talking about and that has nothing to do with me.

He also very quickly sniffed out that this call had nothing to do with booking or any sort of business and bailed on me. Now I'm going to have to find something to do the rest of the day. I am also very concerned as to what condition I will be in for drinking tomorrow night. I thought that I would surely be cured by now, but have no relief.

In this dark time I have decided to turn to a higher power. I will spend the rest of the day constructing some sort of altar to Bacchus, the patron god of drinking. He is the only deity I can think of that would empathize with my concern that I will not be well enough to drink heavily on New Year's Eve.

Speaking of which, if I don't blog I hope everyone has a very enjoyable and safe New Years.

Chernesky out.

The Disgusted Look

2010-12-28T16:02:00.016-05:00

"We interact with a lot of Asian Americans, you can't keep accusing them of being either spies and/or terrorists."
"I think you misunderstand that the main portion of modern American patriotism is xenophobia, you see the Chinese--"
"--No I've heard your explanation before. But there are over a billion of them, I don't see why they would need to make *us* into slaves."

Today I received one of, if not the, most disgusted looks I've ever seen. I'm sure anyone reading this has probably had the experience of someone looking at them similarly, and you know how harrowing of an experience it can be.

This particular stare-down came in the cafeteria at work. I was wandering around checking out what there was to eat and examining the goods. Well, let's take a step back here, folks.

Yes, I check women out. All the time. As a red-blooded American man it is my prerogative, nay my duty, to oggle every halfway decent woman that crosses my path. I don't feel any need to hide this or make excuse for it. I was raised in a community in which manners were of great importance. There is no greater flattery than to properly look over a woman. Not to be confused with imitation which is supposedly the sincerest form of flattery, but that saying doesn't make any sense because most men are not inspired to imitate the women they admire.

Basically politeness trumps political correctness, and it is polite to check out women. The reverse is true as well. I don't know any men who are put off by a lady giving them the old hairy eyeball. I can't tell you how many times I am performing and I can just feel a woman's gaze gently traversing my torso. It's only polite.

So I am walking by a woman I had never seen before and I was just taking a gander. As I passed her I turned back a little to check the view from the rear. This woman didn't mind, she was obviously loving it. As I look back up I see this woman who works at the cafeteria walking across my path.

She was a woman of horrible disposition, quintessentially an old black hag. And she delivereth the most shaming glare I've caught in rememberable history. Her ugly face was contorted into an absolute scowl, it turned over itself almost like a snarl. Her half-toothed mouth was slightly agape and the florescent overhead lights reflected off the coating of saliva that ran from her bottom lip to the recesses of her unlovable pie-hole.

I was nearly floored by the minor shock of the contrast between the attractiveness I was just observing to this streaking comet of ugliness and meanness in front of me. In actuality this woman may not be as repulsive as she seemed, but a combination of proximity to such good looking women and a generally scolding disposition did her no favors.

As she slithered past me, her eyes remained locked right on me in a blatant stare. She took no regard in looking where she was going, instead chose to exclusively make unholy eye contact with me. The entire time her head rocked slightly to either side in a very subtle "no" gesture, but not as resolute as someone, say, declining a piece of gum, but rather more like a subdued shaking--as if you had slowed down footage of someone with Parkinson's to one-third the speed.

I immediately became indignant. I have checked out no less than thousands of women, and believe it or not, they all survived. I have nothing to hide and nothing to prove, but the way this wretched old cafeteria worker looked at me you'd think I was some mass murderer or an arsonist of sacred shrines. To be perfectly honest, getting disgusted looks is a part of my everyday life, but this one stood out to me--which should say something in itself.

Out of pure surprise I had ceded her the first few seconds, in which I must have looked like a deer in headlights. As I came to my senses I returned her stare. I looked into those glassy, condescending eyes and projected nothing but the impression of knowing and indifference: that I know she is glaring at me, but more importantly don't care.

Then came the inevitable point in which two intersecting vessels have fully passed one another. To show that I in fact was truly unrepentant and unrattled by her Gorgon gaze, I took the bold move of taking a sharp right so now I was walking in the same direction as her. For a few steps she continued to glare at me as I walked behind her, but it was clearly physically awkward because she had to turn her whole body to accommodate the 180-degree scope of her at this point ridiculous gesture. She seemed to have some form of mild hunch, maybe caused by osteoporosis, so the glare had to not only be steered not only straight behind her but up and over her slight hunch. I confidently strut behind her, only unlocking our stares to shoot a glance to other young women on either side of us. I even tossed a "Papa likes" at one woman, just to add insult to injury. I have to believe this got under her skin even more, though facially it was impossible to tell--she had maxed out her awfulness already.

Finally the terrible old woman turned her head and retreated into whatever troll-cave she works within inside the recesses of the cafeteria. Another victory and a sign that etiquette is not dead after all.

Chernesky out.

NFL Predictions - Week 16

2010-12-26T09:28:00.000-05:00

Cumulative Record: 93-57
Coin: 77-73

If you haven't noticed, I tend to do my picks Saturday or Sunday morning. Aside from Thanksgiving week, if there have been any games on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday I haven't picked them.

Jets over BEARS: New York needs to hold on to their playoff spot, whereas Chicago has clinched a berth.

Redskins over JAGUARS: No MJD? Big problem for Jacksonville. He basically is that team.

CHIEFS over Titans: The Titans are playing better, but Kansas City is on thin ice to hold the AFC West. If I were the Chiefs I'd run it all day.

Ravens over BROWNS: The luck has run out in Cleveland.

DOLPHINS over Lions: It's not that I can't see Detroit winning this one, it's just that I don't.

RAMS over 49ers: I want so badly to see San Francisco win this game and spin the chaos wheel that is the NFC West playoff picture, but I just find St. Louis to be a bit more consistent of a team, which doesn't say a whole lot.

Chargers over BENGALS: It's a long hike for San Diego, but at least they have a shot at their division on the line.

BRONCOS over Texans: At what point can we officially say that Houston has given up for the season? Whereas it's just the start of Tebow's season.

Colts over RAIDERS: Just a gut feeling that even with the laundry list of injuries Indy has they can still pull it out over Oakland.

Bucs over SEAHAWKS: The poor get poorer as the NFC West is handed another loss.

EAGLES over Vikings: I never thought I'd see the day when Brett "The Favor" Favre said he probably shouldn't play again, but it happened. I'm sure he'll still eagerly accept his paycheck.

Saints over FALCONS: Though I like Atlanta for a playoff run, never underestimate division games. The Saints need this badly.

Giants over PACKERS: Green Bay can't run the ball. If you're going to play one dimensional football, you don't want to do it against New York's defense.

Coin:
Jets over BEARS
Ravens over BROWNS
Redskins over JAGUARS
Titans over CHIEFS
DOLPHINS over Lions
RAMS over 49ers
Chargers over BENGALS
Texans over BRONCOS
RAIDERS over Colts
Giants over PACKERS
BUCS over Seahawks
Vikings over EAGLES
FALCONS over Saints

Church 101

2010-12-26T07:53:00.003-05:00

So recently I started going to church. It began with the best of intentions, but we all know that the road to hell is paved with those intentions. Ok, to be honest I don't really remember why I chose to go to church in the first place. It was a really dark, and drunk time in my life. I think I wandered into a holy place coming off of a Jender (Jenny-bender), looking to spill my heart out to some unlucky soul. What really stuck in my mind, and that has made me keep coming back is that they serve wine at these places, for free! This is really helpful because I am usually coming in drunk and the wine helps to ease the hangover. Now you can't go and pick any ole church, if you go and do that you run the risk of stale bread and cheap grape juice. No, you have to pick a Catholic church. I'm not really sure why of this, but they usually give out a nice Merlot, and if you say you have sinned enough they will give you a second helping. The other thing I enjoy about church are the women. Man, its something about the way they dress, you can almost taste the sin on them. The way they dress is like a high end Hooker, or Jenny. And you just know that they are going to confess to the priest because they drank too much and probably slept with a dirt dog like me the night before. You can smell it on them, I swear to God.

Merry Christmas 2010

2010-12-25T23:02:00.001-05:00

Happy Christmas, Tramps.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday with family and loved ones. Mine has been exceptional. But it didn't start on such a high note.

You don't attend Catholic mass on Christmas, you outlast it. This particular priest knew that he had a captive audience made up primarily of those who don't normally attend service and he milked it for all it was worth. There was one point in which I had to stop myself, as I was about to shout out "Hurry up, Father, you're losing us."

This particular pastor had quite the affinity for incense. Actually, it went far beyond an affinity. He must have gotten a boat-load for Christmas, or had a stockpile that was going to expire, because after every other prayer another cloud of it was released our way. That's all good and well, a fancy Christmas service.

Incense are kind of cool. They add a mystic element to the service and definitely upped the class level, but they were taken way too far. To make matters worse, there was a man in the second row with an oxygen tank. The guy was a good sport about it at first but soon it became apparent that for a guy that had trouble breathing normal air, the heavy incense were not happening. He coughed and clung to his oxygen tubes. Each time the alter boy came around swinging the incense diffuser I saw him cringe and jam a handkerchief in his face. The cat and mouse game continued through most of the mass: the alter server released more and more incense, while the poor man struggled to pipe oxygen into his lungs and barricade his face from the incense aka his attempt at staying upright and alive.

I really felt badly for him. He was an older guy and seemed to be worse for the wear. All he wanted to do was celebrate Christmas mass, and he made sure to sit right up front. The coup de grace came sometime about three quarters of the way through mass. The alter boy was sent down off the alter and just stood there for a good five minutes with the incense, literally less than ten feet from this guy. He just stood there, parked right next to the old wheezing dude. He didn't even swing it around or move an inch, but it seemed as if he was just sent by the priest to choke this guy out. Even I felt it was insult to injury.

Luckily we all survived mass (even the oxygen guy) and then came the usual institutions of the holiday.

Now I know a lot of you red blooded American men have gotten creative in your gift giving and are giving your significant other, or just various women in your community, gift certificates for sex with you. I'm right there with you, it's a gift from the heart and in this Depression there is a lot that can be said for not spending cash--plus there's always the sex factor. I just want to warn you about the pitfalls of gifting vouchers for sex with yourself.

The most common mistake I see people make is that the certificates have no expiration date. It may seem like a tacky thing to include one, but there are several advantages to an expiring sex certificate. Firstly, the recipient can't hold it over your head forever. Sure they may be worthy of bangin' now, but they could in theory hold onto that sucker for twenty five years. All bets are off then as to what condition she/he will be in. You might also want to get married some day and legally the certificate would trump your marriage, which could cause a potentially stressful situation.

An expiration date also eliminates the possibility of the giftee stockpiling them. If the recipient hasn't cashed it in before her/his birthday then you can't in good conscience give another sex certificate for her/his birthday. Now if that certificate expires the day before a birthday or anniversary, well now you are good to gift the birthday girl/boy another one.

Lastly, it forces sex into a shorter time frame. You are now in the driver's seat as far as the timetable of when you can expect to get/give that lovemaking. It takes a lot of the waiting game and guesswork out of having a sex certificate out in circulation, and I do mean circulation as most people forget to include a "non-transferable" stipulation. But that's a whole other story.

I hope you're all taking notes. Again, have a great holiday.

Chernesky out.

They Caught Him!

2010-12-22T16:32:00.000-05:00

It is with great relief and satisfaction that I announce the Auburn Flasher has been apprehended...and in my neck of the woods as well. It turns out the same man that was flashing the innocent residents of Auburn was also flashing people in Brockport, as well as attempting to flash in Marcellus. He was a veritable Tri-County Flasher.

Article

Apparently he is going down swinging, flipping off reporters and tell them off. Hopefully justice will be served. Now all of us can breathe easy in Auburn and enjoy our holidays without having to "hide [our] wives, hide [our] kids" Antoine Dodson-style.

Many of you are probably wondering the same thing: That's odd, the Auburn Flasher was apprehended in Rochester where The Great lives, I wonder if he had something to do with it.

I would have to say that I can't say I did, but I also can't say I didn't either.

NFL Predictions - Week 15

2010-12-19T12:50:00.000-05:00

RAVENS over Saints
Cardinals over PANTHERS
BENGALS over Browns
COWBOYS over Redskins
COLTS over Jaguars
Eagles over GIANTS
Chiefs over RAMS
BUCS over Lions
Texans over TITANS
Falcons over SEAHAWKS
RAIDERS over Broncos
STEELERS over Jets
PATRIOTS over Packers

The Wait is On

2010-12-15T14:18:00.000-05:00

As I write this I am stuck on a bus stuck in traffic. As of late my exile in Rochester has taken a frigid turn. After an arguably warm day on Sunday, the temperature has plummeted into the teens and stayed there. Consistent snow has created a situation that I have noticed every year of my life: when actual snow starts to accumulate people act as if they've never experienced it before. Each day I am continually stunned and amazed by adults who have resided in Upstate NY for decades being shocked and baffled by cold and snow. I am not surprised, I don't even really mind it, I just need to still get around and that's the problem.

In other words, this bus isn't moving. To make matters worse the driver, a talkative and "cherubix" woman, seems to believe that by talking us through this it will bring us some sort of consolation. In reality it is just her narrating the overwhelmingly obvious to half a dozen people who have waited literally an hour for this bus to arrive and apparently will wait another hour to get anywhere on it.

"We are not moving" is not a helpful or necessary statement. Other gems like "I hope you brought snacks" just have myself and the other riders absolutely swooning. She takes the silence among us as some sort of terrible void that needs to be filled, and so continues to ramble on, digging herself even further and further a hole.

Now this isn't new, this isn't my first time riding with this particular driver. The last go around our one-sided conversation revolved around her and her husband's laundry habits. This fairly innocuous topic somehow spiraled into her recounting how once she asked her husband how many women he has slept with. He refused to answer, so she proclaimed that either he had been with a tremendous amount of women or was homosexual. He asked her how he could be gay since he was, in fact, married to her. She related to me how pleased she was that she had set this trap for him. Oh brother.

Now we are on to the part of the post which was written after I had safely gotten off the bus. Though I have been chauffeured by this cherubix driver on many occasions, I had forgotten that due to her amazing female driving skills, I always end up getting violently carsick. It's bad enough when traffic is flowing normally, but in the start-and-stop bumper-to-bumper lines we were sitting in, it was a particular form of torture. I had to stop writing and slinked back into my seat, shutting my eyes and pretending I was anywhere but there.

Apparently feeling the pressure to keep the noise level elevated in the bus (or perhaps running out of things to say to us, which would be a first), the driver flipped on the radio to some station that has devoted all of its airtime to Christmas music. During an air check the DJ's were lamenting the bad weather, and referred to conditions as "treacherous". The driver physically turns to face us and shouts "'Treacherous', did you hear that? The word 'treacherous.'" As if anyone doubted it wasn't bad out.

She then tosses an apology our way because she needs to take the "back way". By doing so she could bypass the line we had sat in for ten minutes. A reasonable person would wonder why we didn't take the "back way" from the start. Especially since it is about the same driving distance as the normal way.

We made good time down this covert route until we approached an intersection that the driver had scoped out as being a time sink. Her solution was to apologize again and explain that she will be turning around and redirecting this pilgrimage in futility through the park to avoid traffic.

While delivering the long and unnecessary explanation of our most recent detour, the bus pulled into an apartment complex to turn around. This brought us right past a bus stop that had a young woman waiting. Rather than passing by and relying on the lighted marquee that clearly states what bus it is to convey the message to the woman, she pulls up to her and opens the door. The would-be passenger took a step onto the bus while the driver shouted:

"Hold on! Where are you heading?"

The young woman replied and the driver rebuked her:

"Nope I'm not going there. I'm just turning around here."

The bus-waitee took half a step back and shot the driver a glance (which I saw because I was in the second seat) that said basically what everyone else was wondering: Why exactly did you stop. The driver shut the door and started in on how the young woman should have just walked because she'd be wherever she needs to go faster than waiting for a bus in such conditions.

Finally we made it to the park, which was a series of sharp twists and turns through the pitch dark. As I rocked and swayed with the bus I bent over, ready to wretch from motion sickness. The whole time that Rod Stewart/Dolly Parton abomination "Baby It's Cold Outside" blared over the speakers while the driver went on about how "The 'Snow Man' must be out tonight!" As if some mythical creature known as the Snow Man (which I guess is to snow what Jack Frost is to cold temperatures) wanders around spreading frozen precipitation in its wake.

I have to give her credit though, because she actually made me genuinely wonder if a forty-year-old woman had gone her whole life not understanding the meaning of the term "snowman".

As we approached our stop she started relating her plans for the rest of her shift. How she had gotten so off schedule she would have to skip a trip and so forth. It was then that I thought I heard a voice emanate from behind me on the bus. I can't be entirely sure if I was actually hearing it with my ears, or if it was a situation in which all the people in a confined space were so clearly thinking the same thing in unison that it basically resonated as some sort of audible telepathy. Regardless of whether it was vocal or imagined I remember hearing the muttering:

No one cares what you're going to do when we get off this bus.

Truer words were never spoken/not spoken.

Chernesky out.

NFL Predictions - Week 14

2010-12-10T11:28:00.000-05:00

Cumulative Record: 74-49
Coin: 62-61

Falcons over PANTHERS: Given that Andrew Luck elects to enter this year's draft, Charlotte will be welcoming to his new home come March.

Packers over LIONS: Detroit will play the Pack hard, but it's as simple as a playoff team squaring up against a perennial bottom-dweller. I'm looking for a good game out of Aaron Rogers.

JAGUARS over Raiders: Oakland hasn't had much luck this season when trudging over to the East Coast. The Jaguars are their own version of hot right now, and though it's a good matchup, should squeak by.

Giants over VIKINGS: Once upon a time at the start of the season this would have been a riveting matchup; maybe even flexed down to the night game. As it stands now it's simply the Giants struggling for their division and the Vikings can hope for nothing more than to be a fringe ruiner team. Some may say that they could be in the playoffs if they win out, however are they even going to go better than 2-2 against NY, Chicago, Philly, and Detroit? We'll see. The only other notable aspect of this game is that it may break Brett Favre's 297-game starting streak. And who would be responsible for taking down ol' iron legs? Buffalo rookie Arthur Moats.

STEELERS over Bengals: There's just something about Cincy/Pittsburgh that always makes me think the Bengals will pull off the upset. However as of now I have to believe they are a team down for the count. They have dropped something like ten straight and don't even seem to have faith in the team, themselves, or the coaching staff. I expect changes in the offseason.

Bucs over REDSKINS: Washington doesn't look bad to win this game. If enough of the right personnel are healthy it should be Tampa though. The Bucs need it more after a rough loss to Atlanta. It's one of those games that can either put wind in your sails or take it right out.

SAINTS over Rams: New Orleans just has more talent. That's not to say they haven't been shocked at home this season (see Cleveland game). I look for the Rams to lose to even further muddy the cesspool that is the NFC West playoff picture.

Seahawks over 49ERS: I don't want to, but I'm gonna say Seattle snaps their recent history of getting blown out.

Broncos over CARDINALS: When a coach gets canned it often time gets an immediate lift out of the team. Maybe because a culture change, or more possibly because suddenly everyone in the franchise realizes their jobs are not guaranteed. It should be more than enough of a spark to cruise over a defeated Cardinals team.

Patriots over BEARS: Not the matchup that the team records would indicate. New England grinds through this matchup.

JETS over Dolphins: I could see Miami pulling this off in theory, but I don't see a high probability of that after not being able to win out over Cleveland last week at home. Another W for Dirty Sanchez and the Jets who will hopelessly chase New England into the playoffs.

CHARGERS over Chiefs: Color me surprised if San Diego loses two at home. It would be less surprising if it was at the hands of Kansas City, but the Chargers know this is their last shot at playoff hope. I seem to recall the Chargers being somewhat of a December team traditionally.

Eagles over COWBOYS: It will be some serious football, but should go Philly's way.

Ravens over TEXANS: Don't think Baltimore will let up at all after falling to Pittsburgh last week. There's no way they can win a shoot-out, but with their defense it shouldn't come to that. I don't see Baltimore dropping two straight national games.

Coin:

Falcons over PANTHERS
Packers over LIONS
Raiders over JAGUARS
Giants over VIKINGS
Bengals over STEELERS
REDSKINS over Bucs
SAINTS over Rams
49ERS over Seahawks
CARDINALS over Broncos
Patriots over BEARS
JETS over Dolphins
Chiefs over CHARGERS
Eagles over COWBOYS
TEXANS over Ravens

Wow, for once I really respect the coin's picks.

Velobsteraptor

2010-12-09T19:29:00.004-05:00

So here is another installment from that night or week or whenever I got drunk and drew a bunch of stuff. This is the Velobsteraptor. It's pretty straightforward, or at least in my head is. More drawings will show up on this blog when I get around to uploading the pictures. If any of you tramps that read this have any requests, I take those. Otherwise I will continue to post what I am currently working on as well as what I have mustered up from the past, and that is the recent past and not from the Privilege days. Those are too dark and disturbing...

HnD PP

PRESS BLAST Hymnals Now Available for Download!

2010-12-07T20:00:00.000-05:00

The Great Chernesky's full hymnal is now available for viewing online. The file can also be downloaded and printed:

Chernesky Hymnal

We encourage anyone planning to attend a performance to print your own copy, which saves on our overhead. Feel free to brush up on those "old tramp songs" before coming out so you're ready to sing!

This file may be updated from time to time as more songs are added to the repertoire.

-FDH

Snake Game / Get Your Own Name

2010-12-07T15:22:00.000-05:00

I have to believe that my parents worked within the assumption that a wealthy American couple would adopt me and sweep me across the ocean to raise me in their mansion. The obvious problem with this being I was not an orphan and was already American. Never happened, so here I am.

I am fully conscious that the blog has been a bit light as of late. It is because the Tramps and I have been preparing tirelessly for the upcoming performances. As you may or may not have heard, I severely injured myself preparing for these shows and they are going to be like nothing anyone has ever seen before.

In case you were wondering, I have been recovering steadily from my noses-shattering. If it's any consolation "Big" Ben Roethlisberger had his nose relocated Sunday evening against the Ravens (a game I predicted correctly by the way). As of today I have been cleared for the full range of physical activity. Keep that in mind, ladies.

Today I thought about the classic arcade game "Snake". More specifically I thought about the plot of the game "Snake". You are a snake that needs to slither around and eat dots; each dot you eat makes your snake body longer and more serpentine. You can't bump into any part of your body with your snake head or you lose the level. The object is to eat as much as you can without, that's right, accidentally eating yourself.

I don't know of any breed of snake that is stupid enough to mistake part of its own body for food, which for snakes is dots. I've spent most of this afternoon thinking about a snake that blindly eats anything in its path, even itself.

It may be no mystery that I listen to punk music. I have noticed an alarming rate of punk and pop/punk groups naming themselves after novels and movies. It's not terribly hard to come up with an original name, it's hackneyed to try to ride the coat tales of some chic work of literature or film.

It also gets very confusing. Often times there will be a band that is named after a movie that was adapted from a novel. All bets are off as to what someone's even talking about. The novel? The loose portrayal on screen? The completely unrelated band of the same name?

Now it's not to say that I don't like music from many of these groups, but I think all involved would be better off if they had an original name.

Chernesky out.

NFL Predictions - Week 13

2010-12-05T13:11:00.000-05:00

Saints over BENGALS: Who needs it more? New Orleans, and even with injury problems they still are the better team.

Bears over LIONS: Detroit is starting its third-string quarterback. Not too much of a chance in this one, even at home.

PACKERS over 49ers: Without Frank Gore, I don't really see who even gives San Francisco a remote chance at winning. The 'Niners will cut their losses and fall on the road to a mending Green Bay.

CHIEFS over Broncos: I don't think Kansas City has forgotten the whipping they took at Invesco Field a few weeks ago. McDaniels is on thin ice in Denver, but I don't think he can motivate this team to topple the AFC West leader.

DOLPHINS over Chiefs: Miami is realistically two losses from being out of the playoffs. Regardless of inconsistent quarterback production, I think they won't let a spoiler team with Seneca Wallace under center get the better of them.

GIANTS over Redskins: It's time for New York to get back to basics after some pretty ugly losses at the midpoint of the season. If they just stick to the game plan and focus, they can utilize their talent, which is more than enough to beat Washington.

Jaguars over TITANS: Tennessee is a hot mess. They went from playoff team to a perpetual Vince Young hissy-fit group of brawlers. Oh, by the way, they got shut out last week by the amazing defensive prowess of Houston. Brutal. The Jaguars are in contention to lead this division and should put in a good performance today.

CHARGERS over Raiders: I've said it all year, more often than not the Chargers play well at home. High off being the Colts, they should begin their late season push on Kansas City by holding off Oakland, whose quarterback carousel has finally caught up with.

Rams over CARDINALS: Not impressed by Arizona one iota. That wasn't intended to rhyme, but I'll go with it. Might as well take everyone's favorite underdog story this season in St. Louis.

COLTS over Cowboys: Indy has its back to the wall. I have to pick them just because they simply can't afford to lose to the rejuvenated Cowboys.

SEATTLE over Carolina: God help whoever ends up watching this game. No matter how junior varsity these teams play, somebody has to win. I'll take Seattle at home because they are sadly still in decent shape to win their division and I have zero faith that Carolina can travel to the opposite coast and actually play enough to win.

Falcons over BUCS: This is just the trap game I usually throw to the underdog. A division rival at home. However with New Orleans on their heels and an awful lot of offensive talent, I see Atlanta avoiding the upset.

Steelers over RAVENS: It's tempting to cite the Steelers sneaking out of Buffalo with a three-point overtime win and say they lose in Baltimore. But oh wait, Baltimore did the same exact thing a few weeks earlier. I think the Steelers get serious on the road and avoid the sweep.

PATRIOTS over Jets: It's time for the second installment of the matchup which I always wish would result in both teams being vaporized. I'm not sure of many things in life, but I have the unavoidable feeling that New England will find a way to win this game in Foxboro, even if it involves cheating.

Happy Hanukah?

2010-12-02T15:34:00.005-05:00

Sometimes people say ignorant statements that just stick with you for the rest of the day. These statements usually happen when you least expect them, sothat when you hear them it takes a while to process. Now to clarify things, I am not talking about ignorance in the sense of race or misogyny; if you wanted to hear that just come drinking with me on a Saturday night. No, I am talking about ignorance in the sense that people are, despite our fantastic education system, are inherently dumb. So to give you readers some backstory as to why I am ranting, I happened to go to this gas station that I frequent probably three times a week. I know the attendants there, not by name but by face and weight class. I don't mean this as a slam, it's just that they don't wear name tags and I really don't want to stick around and make friends with them. Usually there are two, maybe three attendants working at at time, and today there were two "larger" women that were about my age manning the cash register. The more ditsty of the two was drawing something, and being an artist, I was naturally interested as to what she was putting on the paper. She must have noticed my interest because she very proudly showed me the piece of paper, and very excitedly said, "look at the cool menorah I drew!" Expecting to see a candle holder, I was surprised to see a five sided star drawn. Now I know you all are thinking, can this girl be serious? But wait it gets better, or worse. The other girl said "That's not right, a menorah has eight points not five dummy." And I just stood there waiting for my change, baffled. I must have had a pretty disgusted look on my face because the girl that corrected the "artist" rolled her eyes at me and very rudely gave me my change. This scene has bugged me all day. With Thanksgiving over, the winter holidays like Hanukah and Christmas are being shoved down our throats. Did she somehow miss seeing these decorations literally everywhere she goes? Did she not get enough schooling to get a basic grasp on world religions? Questions like this plagued me for the rest of the day. It is times like these that I am thankful that I am a college man, or at least most of one.

hNd PP

**************************************************************

UPDATE

**************************************************************

So after writing this I realized that I should probably show you what everything actually looked like. This isn't the drawing from the girl but a sketch of what I remember things looking like accompanied by the correct drawings of what they should look like.

Excuse Yourself

2010-12-02T10:51:00.001-05:00

"I hope that like Mark Twain, 100 years from now people will see my work and think, 'Wow. That is actually pretty racist.'"
-Tina Fey

Yesterday I said "Excuse me" while walking around a man and he replied "You're excused." It blindsided me. It had been years since someone actually replied "You're excused" (or at all) to me--I had basically forgotten that that is the appropriate response. Then I thought about it and realized all these years I have been unexcused for everything I've asked pardon for. I must have said it thousands of times, and since no one had verbally excused me all of those transgressions have not been forgiven. Good grief.

A certain Francis Huetzhollow, who will remain nameless, has been working hard on booking a few dates in early 2011, as well as making sure the existing 2010 dates will be a success. He, however, lives in the Irish barrio that is Boston so the Tramps and I have to assume the role of his local errand boys. It's beyond degrading.

This Monday was one such occasion as I was sent to an upcoming venue to drop off flyers while the steering committee was having a meeting. I suppose it's a logical time to distribute flyers, while all the people most involved with the venue are there. However the said time for this action ended up falling at the end of the session, so I attended a two-point-five hour meeting involving many topics of which I have no understanding.

There was one topic that was all too familiar though. The committee was discussing how to deal with offensive material being presented at the venue and were throwing around a few vague examples of incidents in the past. Most of the infringements were standard fare, however one example was of a man who would get naked and do various things to himself under the guise of "performance art". I'm not sure what possessed me, but I glanced around at this time and a man to my right was staring directly at me. I looked at him, looked away, and reset only to find that for the duration of the discussion of this naked and disagreeable performer he was staring right through me.

It's important to note that I have never played here before, and to my recollection have never exposed myself on stage. The look was a look of knowing, as if we shared a secret that I am in fact some sort of violent exhibitionist. I just turned my whole body slightly in the other direction and played dumb. All I could think of was:

I didn't sign up for this. If I wanted icy stares and subtle accusations of being a sexual deviant, I would just get married.

I recently got some prints made up at a drugstore of a bizarre photo I had edited a few of my coworkers into as a gag. When my boss's boss went on vacation, I replaced all the pictures in all the picture frames in his office with said photo. That's all in good fun, but ever since I've gotten emails encouraging me to get reprints in sentimental overtures referring to the photo as my "memories".

I don't want to live in the world of that remembering. The photo features a seventy-year-old woman vomiting into a hotel trashcan and holding a beer. I don't know if the word "cherish" really comes into play in my case.

I will leave you with a conversation I had earlier with a coworker. He sits most of the day and reads articles online, which he vocally emotes responses to. The problem is no one else in the room has any idea what he's responding to since none of us are privy to whatever article has affected him so greatly. No one particularly wants a second-hand summary of whatever he's reading so the result is that throughout the day we all just hear various exclamations out of nowhere ranging from laughter to intrigue to disgruntlement.

I have taken to responding to those reactionary statements as if there was no article that spurred them. Today was one of my finest. He was sitting, then leans back in his chair (which always makes a screeching sound as he rocks and twists within it throughout the day) and mutters:

You've got to be kidding me! Not again!

My immediate response was:

What? You having another kid?

I figured I'd pass it on before I forgot it occurred.

Chernesky out!

NFL Predictions - Week 12 - Part 2

2010-11-28T12:20:00.002-05:00

PART 1 (From Thanksgiving)
Patriots over LIONS
Saints over COWBOYS
JETS over Bengals

BROWNS over Panthers
TEXANS over Titans
GIANTS over Jaguars
Vikings over REDSKINS
RAIDERS over Dolphins
Chiefs over SEAHAWKS
RAVENS over Bucs
Eagles over BEARS
BRONCOS over Rams
COLTS over Chargers
CARDINALS over 49ers

Carbetbagger!

2010-11-24T12:30:00.000-05:00

As my friend Tim has put it, we seem to have stumbled into a "celestial cycle of torment". Today is one of the most joyous days of the year as it is in fact the A-#1 drinking day. However there is a dark edge to this holiday. If flashers and kidnappers weren't enough to demoralize Central NY, a truly horrible woman has taken power today.

Who would that be? Miss Ann Marie Buerkle. Congresswoman elect (a term I use loosely) of NY's 25th District.

She seems to have squeaked by by less than one percent of the vote, and of course by lying through her teeth.

My problem with the aged Congresswoman elect is that her website and campaign materials bragged about how she is from--you guessed it--Auburn, NY. If I hadn't known any better, I would have thought she was some sort of minor savior to the city. Oh wait, that's my job.

Ann Marie Buerkle doesn't care about Auburn, and never did. She got rich through various means and booked it, most notably living in Skaneateles. She has spent quite a bit of time out of NY state and blames that on NY state. What a trooper. Someone who travels around seeking economic gain and power is the definition of a carpetbagger.

She is now despot-utant of the 25th Congressional District, which strangely does not include any part of the city of Auburn. This is a map of the 25th:

The green area is Miss Buerkle's congressional turf. The large black star is of course Auburn. It snakes up and around the city, but clearly no Auburnian is her constituent.

Why is this important? Because said congressperson was elected by bragging about being from Auburn, but in no way represents the interests of the area. The residents of Auburn had to sit by helplessly and watch her rise to power without the being able to vote her down.

If someone truly cares about where they're from, they work to help the community. I do more for Auburn in one day than Ann Marie Buerkle has in her entire life. That's a fact and you can take it to the bank (that she probably owns). I travel around the Northeast singing those old Auburn songs, sharing with the world the beauty and majesty of where I was born.

I don't use it as a political chess piece to appeal to blue collar people, just to win an out-of-district election. I do what I can to repay the place that has made me the greatest performer east of Cincinnati (and west of that don't matter). With all her riches and alleged prestige, what has Ann Marie Buerkle done for Auburn? Zero. If I had half the means she has I would give heartily to where *I'm* from, which is important to note that I don't even consider her from Auburn--she's nothing more than an impostor.

Now I must give her the benefit of the doubt that she is under it all a decent person and maybe even carpetbagged and dragged Auburn's name through the dirt by accident (which is hard to do by mistake). Actions are not always indicative of character and to that degree I will give her a chance to honorably rectify the situation. After she assumes office in January I will contact her explaining my grievances as Auburn's top performer and give her the chance to draft a public letter of apology to all the current residents of Auburn. She will also be invited to volunteer at my upcoming Auburn AID performance, a benefit which all the proceeds with be donated to the city.

--

Let us end this post on a more positive note. Tonight is a night of celebration. Eat well, drink better, and don't forget the tramps. If you come across any, please be generous. My goal for tonight will be to drink one fluid ounce of alcohol for every pound of my body weight. That means I need to drink at least a twelver.

Chernesky out!

If you run over a Black Squirrel, is it considered a hate crime?

2010-11-23T16:54:00.011-05:00

Down the street from the Tramp House is a hipster bar that I have loved to hate. The patrons there make me sick, but the bartenders are quite nice, because often they let me pay in pocket change as well as make my favorite drink, the Pabst Smear. The Pabst Smear is a PBR and shot of well whiskey; how could you go wrong? Last night The Great and I went to said bar because we do not have the luxury of owning a television at the Tramp House, and TGC needed to catch up on Monday Night's pigskin matches. I was doing my usual thing, loathing the people around me, while being pissed off because I only had enough change for one Pabst Smear. As I was licking the last of the whiskey out of the shot glass, the Bartender placed another Smear in front of me. Confused, I made sure the Bartender knew I was out of money. He pointed to the end of the bar to a girl who looked vaguely familiar. Now this is where the story get's a little hazy, I am now recounting what TGC has helped me remember. "That girl, Julie, put it on her tab," the Bartender explained. So naturally I chalked up two more Smears to her tab, and slammed them down before seeing what she wanted. "Well, well, well. If it isn't Jenny. Come to take me back I assume?" I guess I said in a very accusatory manor The Great recounted. She completely disregarded the wrong name and poor manors I have, and went into this huge rant. I don't know what it is about women but they feel the need to fill every void with benign details about their dismal, tragic lives. As "Jenny" began to go on about how environmentally friendly she now was because she drove a Prius, I decided to get just blackout drunk. I never really reached that point, because I can still remember what happened; I wish I didn't. We ended up leaving the bar, making our way back to her house. I guess she was into me, why wouldn't she; we had a history, didn't we? Things took a turn into the fast lane finally, and she popped the question, asking if I had a condom. Trying to impress her or something I said, "Well Jenny, I'm trying to save the environment. I don't believe in condoms. I pull out." Apparently that was not the correct answer. She screamed at me asking why I kept calling her Jenny, and going on about things called STD's. I don't even believe in those. I guess I'll have to chalk this up to another broad that Privilege f****d.

I guess you win this one you rat bastard.

The Auburn Flasher & Missing Woman

2010-11-23T15:13:00.000-05:00

Today's post will focus on uncharacteristically somber topics.

The first of which is an unsightly blight on the Auburn's pristine reputation. Apparently Auburn now has itself a boner fide (pun intended) flasher:

http://auburnpub.com/news/local/article_60d09ade-f443-11df-a423-001cc4c03286.html

He is eluding police and exposing himself all over the place--or as few as on place. If I was Glenn Beck this guy would be top on my chalkboard today.

I've never really gotten into exposing myself. If you're drunk and do it around friends or other colleagues, that's one thing--it's all in good spirit. But to go into public and expose yourself to strangers/children definitely crosses the line. I encourage everyone to help find and snuff out (pun not intended) this insidious flasher. I will see what I can do on my end to make sure that he is brought to justice.

Also, I bet it's small.

I don't know what's happened to my beloved hometown while I sweat out here in exile. Flashers are running loose, politicians seem to be rampant preying upon the poor, the list goes on. Every day when I read the Auburn paper there seems to be something not quite right.

Apparently a young woman from Liverpool, NY has gone missing and there is a widespread search in the area. Her picture is all over the news, but I have also noticed that it is being circulated widely across FaceBook. FaceBook is a great tool for circulating photos of missing people quickly amongst friends and family in case anyone comes across the person, they can notify the authorities.

In this particular case, many women I have seen on FaceBook have taken it a step further and have made the picture of the missing woman their profile picture to maximize exposure. This may seem like a good idea, but has achieved the result of confusing the hell out at least me, and I assume others. To this moment I do not know the actual name of the woman who is missing because everywhere I click on FaceBook I see her picture associated with a different name. I did originally know her name from reading the news, but every time I see her picture with a new name I then associate her with that name.

The other problem is I had studied the photo and taught my brain that she is a missing person in case I run into her when I am home for the weekend. Now whenever I am browsing FaceBook I see one of these people who has made her their profile picture and my mind sends out an alert: There she is! We've found the missing girl!

Between trying to find the Auburn Flasher and possibly a missing woman--whatever her name is--I will have a busy mind this Thanksgiving weekend.

Chernesky out.

Saving Covers

2010-11-22T22:07:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that whenever a musician covers a song, he or she always lays on praise real thick? As if it's the greatest song ever written.

I've decided that if I cover popular songs I'm going to introduce them by talking about how crappy they are. Maybe I should only cover crappy songs.

I suppose the idea of covering an amazing song is to try and fail to live up to the original. In my case I will be saving, or liberating, the song from how crappy it is. I like the ring of that.

This morning I almost yelled at a woman on the bus. As you all know I usually keep to myself on public transportation, but I was very tired and I don't know how much louder a person could shout into a phone. Whenever trapped with someone like that in an enclosed space I always want to say:

The amazing thing about a phone is that the person you are talking to may be very far away, but it sounds like you're right next to them. There is no purpose in yelling.

About a month ago I started to say it to this Chinese guy, but quickly realized he didn't understand what the hell I was saying.

Today I had it locked and loaded, I turned to her to say it and heard she was talking to someone about how she was on the way to the hospital to visit her kid who was in a car wreck.

Dodged a bullet there.

Chernesky out.

NFL Predictions - Week 11

2010-11-21T11:01:00.000-05:00

Cumulative Record: 55-41
Coin's Cumulative Record: 47-49

Last week was a bloodbath as I posted my first losing record of the season. I'm looking to right the ship here now that I'm not in a rush to go tailgate at Ralph Wilson. I may be attending as many as two more Bills games this season if all things go as planned.

Ravens over PANTHERS: The Ravens have burned me lately, slipping in some not-that-clutch games. There is no realistic reason why they shouldn't beat the Panthers today.

COWBOYS over Lions: With a new coach in Dallas the Cowboys have become convinced that they can in fact play football. It should be an interesting match pitting John "I Promise Playoffs" Kitna against his old team. I think as the game wears on Dallas will win just through sheer talent advantage, from my live scouting of the Lions last week I wasn't terribly impressed by them. Not to mention they have lost their last twenty-five straight road games (for those of you keeping track at home, that's every home game in the last three seasons).

JAGUARS over Browns: Cleveland is playing very good, tough football. They have beaten two potentially conference contenders and almost stuck it to the Jets last week. Jacksonville is bad. I've said it from the get-go, and I'll continue to say it. The question becomes can the Jaguars find a way to win this at home? I think they can.

CHIEFS over Cardinals: Kansas City has been on a bit of a slide, but I look for them to turn it around against the underwhelming Cardinals. I read one blogger's take on the matchup as saying "I tend to think if the Chiefs literally called nothing but alternating runs for Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones the entire game, they might still win." I tend to agree.

Packers over VIKINGS: The question in this game is who has more to lose. If Minnesota drops this one they are out of the playoffs. Green Bay needs to win to match the Bears' record and lead the NFC North. The other question is if the Packers can really sweep the Vikings this year. Based on Green Bay's offense alone I'm going to have to say yes. The Vikings are falling apart at the seams this season and I expect the Pack to deal the deathblow today. Otherwise Minnesota is just delaying the inevitable...

JETS over Texans: I really want to give this game to Houston, after an unlucky loss to Jacksonville they should be gunning to keep their ever dimmer playoff hopes alive. They have the tools to win in New Jersey, but I just see the Jets' defense slowing them down just enough to squeak by in this one, and I have to take the third best team in the league at home. This is my softest pick of the week, don't be surprised to see Houston steal this one.

STEELERS over Raiders: Both these teams are tied for first place in their divisions. But these are very different teams and very different divisions. Steelers roll at home.

TITANS over Redskins: I know it's popular to pile on Washington after their complete and utter embarrassment on national television Monday night, but I have to. I think Randy Moss will have more than one catch in this game and the Titans will stay in the hunt for the AFC South for another week.

SAINTS over Seahawks: With the Falcons flying high, the Saints can't afford to lose any matchups like this. Every week the Browns game looks like less and less of a gaffe. A still injured New Orleans will take care of business at home.

49ERS over Bucs: I'm sure you all know the rule of picking by now. If it's a toss up, give it to the home team. I'd like to take this opportunity to mention that I've always been a big fan of Troy Smith and wanted Buffalo to trade for him this offseason. Now San Fran is reaping the benefits.

Falcons over RAMS: Not much to see here, folks. Though the Rams are a Seattle loss away from tying for first in the NFC West (which is completely pathetic), I don't think it's enough to stop Atlanta. After all, St. Louis realistically still doesn't have any worthwhile wide receivers.

Colts over PATRIOTS: Don't fail me now, Peyton. New England is favored here and is getting their yearly "Best Team in the League" b.s. fawning from many media parasites. Both of these teams will have to do what they do best: somehow elevating play from young and otherwise not-so-spectacular players. In a shootout I'll take Manning. This one may be wishful thinking on my part. P.S. Why didn't this get flexed down to Sunday night? I know Eagles/Giants is a good matchup, but this is the rivalry of the last decade. Then again the NFC East lead is on the line. This should have been the Monday Night game instead of a worthless AFC West matchup.

EAGLES over Giants: After a little televised spanking of their former quarterback's new team last week, Philadelphia has suddenly rocketed to a trendy Super Bowl pick. Let's cool our jets on that. I do, however, know they have the ability to beat New York tonight. It will be a tough-fought game either way. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Mr. Vick for single-handedly winning my fantasy matchup last week. He's riding pine this week because I like Aaron Rogers against what the Vikings consider to be a secondary. I hope I don't regret that.

CHARGERS over Broncos: Denver lit it up last week. Big whoop. The Chargers tend to play well at home. Like most MNF games this season, I'm not especially excited about this game for any reason. San Diego wins.

COIN:
Ravens over PANTHERS
Lions over COWBOYS
Browns over JAGUARS
Cardinals over CHIEFS
VIKINGS over Packers
Texans over JETS
STEELERS over Raiders
Redskins over TITANS
SAINTS over Seahawks
49ERS over Bucs
PATRIOTS over Colts
EAGLES over Giants
CHARGERS over Broncos

New Year's Eve & Bachelor Parties

2010-11-19T23:04:00.000-05:00

I am blogging at night right now, which is incredibly unusual. Normally even when I post at night, most of that entry was written during the day but never published. To be posting on a Friday night? Blasphemy.

I am trying to dry myself out a bit. Last weekend I had an alcohol blowout Thursday evening, a modest drinking night Saturday, and a good ten hour streak on Sunday. I have abstained from the drink all week, which I must say feels a lot longer than it really is.

Here is the problem: my body knows it's Friday night. As I sit here I feel an excitement: This is it, this is the weekend! Let's go! But I resist, which is not fun. I have the inconsolable feeling that there is fun permeating every corner of this city and that I am missing out. In reality I am probably not. It's usually the same story whenever I go out. I spend too much money and get way too drunk; then I get mean. My cohorts are usually worse than me.

I want you to stop and think about that sentence for a moment: My friends are usually worse. Think of who I drink with on a regular basis: an artsy man who in my opinion is basically a hobo and a liquor sink from India. Though I am a half dozen sheets on any given weekend--I am usually the mastermind who steers the group and makes the decisions.

There are really only two nights a year in which I am the drunken burden: my own birthday and New Year's Eve.

I don't even know why I celebrate New Year's Eve, I don't even really enjoy it. Symbolically and morally it really is completely illogical. On New Year's Day we all presume we are suddenly going to become perfect people, as we are somehow forgiven by the calendar for all of our discretions and have resolved to be basically demigods of health and honor. Why not usher this in by indulging in all the worst habits we've accumulated? Let's celebrate how amazing we will be tomorrow by reliving "one last time" all the things that we are to lose interest in. That usually shoots it all in the foot for me, I've already failed on New Year's Day because, as we all know, hung over people are not in any way amazing.

I like the concept of a night of complete hedonism to cap off a reprehensible lifestyle, and the process will somehow leave not missing these things in any way. My favorite example of this is bachelor parties. Here we take a man and put him through a gauntlet of every tantalization known to man to celebrate his "last night of freedom". He is driven around with his friends, more often than not in a limo and showered with booze at every turn. Not one cent comes out of his pocket for anything throughout the night. He is entertained by prostitutes and strippers as well as strippers who do light prostitution and prostitutes who will strip for him (believe it or not most prostitutes don't really do strip teases).

This has to be the highest high of any man. He has nothing but testosterone coursing through his veins and has a patchy covering of whatever oozes of adult entertainers mixed with cheap perfume. He is perspiring alcohol which reacts with the solution to make an armor of masculinity. Internally and externally that is sportin' pure lumber. Every man should be so lucky as to experience this sensation--engagement or not.

Then two weeks later he's standing up on the alter getting married. He has to stare into the faces of all the men who accompanied him on his great night of freedom and agree to give that all up forever? That has to be a hard pill to swallow.

Then again it's sort of a sham. The example of bachelordom presented him isn't in anyway indicative of a normal results; that should be a disclaimer told to the groom at the beginning. What is so alluring is neither here nor there: if he was single forever his life wouldn't actually be like his bachelor party. Another thing is going to a bachelor party isn't as fun as being the groom. Everyone really focuses on him, and he gets more of a pass on bad behavior.

All in all I suppose the moral of the story is to not really analyze why we celebrate an elevation in morality by tabling morals. I've wasted a lot of time doing it and don't really want to discourage people from either of these parties. I think I'll have a beer. Samir The Seer is on his way over.

Chernesky out.

Platysaurus Rex

2010-11-17T20:40:00.006-05:00

Well I guess with the Internet nothing is private anymore. The Great seems to be fascinated with my history, and feels the need to bring it up whenever possible. Well as you all have already found out, I may have had a little bit to drink recently. I had told TGC that it was Jenny's birthday, and much to my surprise he wanted to celebrate the date. I blacked out pretty quickly once we had the Fanduke Punch, but I can recall bits and pieces of those hazy couple weeks. Before I get into the details, I feel like I should give you guys a little history about the rat bastard Privilege White. When I was in art school so long ago, I was able to woo my ex-fiance, Jenny with my drawings. She was enchanted with the drawings that would take a modern-day creature, and mash it with Dinosaurs. I thought that this would be a great idea for a project. So one day I was working on this masterpiece when a kid by the name of Privilege White sat down next to me to do some work. At the time I did not know him very well, so I decided to be cordial and talk to him. He thought my idea was fantastic. As class progressed I noticed that his work had not improved much but I really didn't think anything of it. I got up, leaving my masterpiece for literally five minutes and that bastard had taken my work. Not only had he taken my work, he had called the professor over, who was looking at it and giving him the praise that I DESERVED. I stood there speechless as he sneered at me, a scene that would occur over and over and over and over and over and over again, as Privilege would soon steal more and more of my life from me. It seems that I have gotten off topic of what I had really come here to say and revealed too much about my past. I guess I just needed a break from the daily grind that is my life and soaking my liver in alcohol seemed to be the best idea at the time. Privilege, I hate you, you rat bastard.

Let's talk about pornography

2010-11-17T16:11:00.000-05:00

Any of you who know how to invent things, here's a project you need to get on--an instant beard dryer. It should have at least two settings: "food/drink" and "shower". It takes way too long for a beard to dry.

Let's talk about pornography. Some people are into it, others are not. That's a personal choice based on taste. Here's what I don't understand though: Why do people feel comfortable openly trashing porn as if it is universally reviled? I'll give you an example from my own personal life. Yesterday a coworker of mine was talking and to make a long story short she brought up pornography. She then actually shouted "PORN. EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!1!"

Yes, there was actually a "one" in there when she screamed.

I was offended. And I never get offended. Though porn can be used as a masturbatory aid, it is also one of my favorite art forms--and it is art. It encompasses various filmmaking or photographic techniques and requires aesthetic attention and proper direction. If nothing else most porns are funny. It brings so much joy to so many peoples' lives.

This woman wasn't the first person I've met that feels it makes her look like better of a person for raggin' on porn openly, and sadly won't be the last I meet. I don't like golf, but if I shouted my head off about how horrible golf was everyone would just think I'm an asshole. Yet bitching about porn apparently puts you on the fast track to saintdom.

If you don't like porn, don't view it. That's it. If you don't want your kids watching it, that's between you and your kids. No one's impressed when you try to stigmatize it.

Speaking of private invasion, they're going to kill off Four Loco. Even though the stuff tastes horrible, it still really gets my goat. I was an occasional Sparks drinker before they tugged out the caffeine. Then there was really no point. These drinks do have a purpose, and there are legitimate uses of them. I would drink a Sparks usually on a Friday or Saturday night when I had been up late drinking the night before. Between being hung over and physically fatigued I just didn't have the fire in me to drink when I should be. The caffeine revitalized me, but I didn't have to waste time drinking an energy drink then some alcohol, I could just take care of it all with one drink.

Either way I was going to be drinking both an energy drink and some booze. The rallying cry of these people is that "It's killing our kids! They drink two and die!"

I've drank Four Loco before and *gasp* I'm still kicking. How did I ever survive the lethal mix of caffeine and alcohol. Thank God my whiskey and cokes don't have caffeine in them, or I'd be a goner for sure. If Jaeger Bombs had caffeine in them, then surely Samir the Seer would have passed on years ago.

Your kids shouldn't be drinking Four Loco, but it should be available for me to drink. It's that simple. I have new for you: if your kids drank drain cleaner they would die, but I may still need to use that too.

Speaking of idiot kids, I've gotten a lot of blowback regarding my story two days ago about me engaging in a verbal altercation with a nine-year-old Detroit Lions fan on Sunday--well actually I haven't gotten any blowback at all, I just needed a segue. Well if you do for some odd reason think that was strange, I submit this:

Browns Fan Assaults 8-Year-Old After Game

I don't look so bad at all in comparison. At least my conversation never came to blows, but it also shows how annoying children can be at sporting events.

Chernesky out!

The Discovery

2010-11-16T16:44:00.000-05:00

The only things I know about Amsterdam come from Amstel Light commercials and what prostitutes have told me.

Many of you probably know of the spirited artist and my closest ally: Mr. "High 'n Dry" Philly Phillips. Though I love him dearly, his life seems to become more complicated daily, when really it should be pretty simple. He's basically a homeless dude and doesn't have a job. He hasn't had a fiancee in a couple years. He stays at the Tramp House and does his art. It's all pretty straightforward stuff.

Well maybe not so. Last night Philly triumphantly returned to my house, and in this case my definition of "triumphant" is laying unconscious on my porch. At first glance I didn't even realize it was him, he looked sort of like some bizarre form of urban fisherman. It was an honest mistake on my part because he was wearing a vaguely yellow baseball hat and what appeared to be a pair of children's pants crammed over his jeans--the end result looked something like wading pants. My favorite part about his garb was that to further rain-proof himself he had wrapped his shoulders with a plastic bag that came from some appliance that has the choking hazard logo on it. In case you haven't seen that, here's a picture of the choking symbol:

I always get a kick out of that symbol. It was even funnier on him because to me it appeared like instructions for illiterate people on how to suffocate him.

After helping haul him inside my domicile, I realized I hadn't seen him in about three weeks. I felt badly, but more concerned for myself that someone I co-habitate with can disappear for three weeks and I never notice. I thought back to when the last time I saw him even was, and realized it this weekend he was rollin' pretty high on Fanduke Formula Punch (that's a whole other story). He had been going on about a birthday, so I just assumed it was his birthday. I kept funneling him booze accordingly. Now that I think about it, though, I clearly remember his birthday--it was back at the end of September. We even had a performance that night.

My first reaction was to accuse him of trying to swipe extra birthdays this year, or even of forgetting when his own birthday really was. It wasn't until after all this that thanks to Facebook I realized it was Jenny's birthday that night. Jenny is his ex-fiancee, who preferred to bang out rich art snobs with names like "Privilege White" (which I can never get over) rather than actually marry Philly. Such is life.

So this was apparently the incentive for this particular bender; the details of which we will most likely never know.

Why is this relevant? Well firstly I find every part of it funny. High 'n Dry hates hates hates when I bring up anything with Jenny or any of that. I consider it necessary for full rehabilitation to continually bring the topic up. Any day now I expect him to stop caring. The other interesting thing was that I had discovered all of the artwork he had made the last few weeks.

And there were a lot. It looks like he quickly exhausted his paper supply so there were additional drawings on everything from the backs of labels to paper towels. It was like an artistic $**tstorm. He is a masterful artist and it's a shame he never finished art school. As anyone who's ever seen him create can attest, he is brilliant.

I want the world to see these pieces of art, so I have decided to give High 'n Dry an account on the TrampBlog so he can post any drawings or musings he comes up with. I think right now the plan is to scan and post a lot of these drawings he made and put them up. I've also confiscated many which I plan on auctioning off at upcoming performances. The money raised can help defray his lodging expenses.

So welcome Philly Phillips to the blog, everyone. I think later today I'm going to lend him my computer so he can get started.

Chernesky out.

BILLS WIN

2010-11-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

Life is eighty percent perspiration and twenty percent penetration.

I spent yesterday in sunny Buffalo, NY (that joke never gets old) celebrating the Bills' victory of the Detroit Lions. I wasn't cool about it, either.

I sat in the third row, and it was an amazing experience. There were quite a few Detroit fans there, so I informed them that they were bandwagoners for backing a shiny, two-win team. We had to take them down a notch. I clearly remember a nine-year-old kid with an "0-9" sign chirping at me at some point. I ended up telling him that he's an idiot to talk to me when he's grown up. That wasn't particularly popular.

It's hard to deal with kids. I'm sure you're familiar with the birthday congratulation in which you say "and may you have ______ more"; in which you wish them to have as many more birthdays as they've already had. For instance when someone turns eighty, you would say "and may you have eighty more". Well it's all fun and games until it's your friend's kid's fifth birthday and then everyone thinks you're an a$$hole. I can't help it, it's an expression.

Speaking of congratulations, why is the word congratulation always pluralized? If someone gets promoted it's customary to say "congratulations", but aren't you really only congratulating him/her on one thing? I'm not getting suckered into laying unwarranted congratulations on people anymore. From now on I will say "congratulation" to clearly indicate I am only congratulating that individual on that one particular accomplishment.

I forgot what else I was talking about. Let's take the rest of the day to celebrate, tramps!

PRESS BLAST 12/17/10 Flyer

2010-11-14T14:30:00.001-05:00

If anyone lives in Rochester, NY and wouldn't mind helping flyer for the December show, below is a link to the flyer. Any you can print and distribute would really help. Thanks.

http://www.chernesky.org/Flyers/12-17-10.gif

-F.D.H.

NFL Predictions - Week 10

2010-11-14T08:03:00.000-05:00

This week's picks have to be a bit short, or terse, as I am on my way out the door to Ralph Wilson Stadium to see the heroic BUFFALO BILLS play!

Vikings over BEARS
Jets over BROWNS
COLTS over Bengals
Texans over JAGUARS
DOLPHINS over Titans
BUCS over Panthers
Chiefs over BRONCOS
CARDINALS over Seahawks
GIANTS over Cowboys
Rams over 49ERS
STEELERS over Patriots
Eagles over REDSKINS

Coin
BEARS over Vikings
BROWNS over Jets
COLTS over Bengals
JAGUARS over Texans
DOLPHINS over Titans
Panthers over BUCS
BRONCOS over Chiefs
Seahawks over CARDINALS
GIANTS over Cowboys
49ERS over Rams
STEELERS over Patriots
REDSKINS over Eagles

So much for probability. It basically picked all the home teams.

GO BILLS!!!

Attack of the Centilope

2010-11-11T08:04:00.000-05:00

Last evening I was using my restroom facility when I noticed a centilope perched on the wall above me. A battle to the death ensued.

The Great Chernesky vs. The Centilope

PRESS BLAST The Great Chernesky Injured while Rehearsing for Upcoming Performance

2010-11-10T10:45:00.004-05:00

I'm going to give this a shot. The Great has asked me for a while to start posting news releases on this blog, but I mainly handle booking. I recently agreed that I would update the show schedule with events I've booked for him, but he has been pretty adamant that I post news entries under the heading "Press Blast". In my five or so years of booking experience I've never seen the phrase "Press Blast" used. However recent events have sort of blurred the area between normal Chernesky related news and booked appearances. With that said:

**PRESS BLAST**

The Great Chernesky Suffers Broken Nose While Rehearsing for Upcoming Rochester, NY Performance

Last Thursday (11/4/10) The Great Chernesky was performing a brand new stunt planned for the upcoming performance scheduled for 12/17/10 at The Flying Squirrel in Rochester, NY when his nose was broken in an accidental collision. The injury was sustained around 10:30pm EST. TGC was admitted to Strong Memorial Hospital and treated for blunt force trauma to the face. Yesterday he underwent a follow-up procedure and is expected to make a full recovery within the next month. Details of the actual feat cannot be released at this time, as The Great remains steadfast that it will still be performed on December 12th. Below is a photograph taken at the hospital.

Information for the show will be posted on chernesky.org and this blog. Flyers should be expected by week's end.

-F.D.H.

TrampBlog: The Official Blog of The Great Chernesky

A New Year, same old set of problems

NFL Predictions - Week 11

NFL Predictions - Week 9

NFL Predictions - Week 8

Take It

NFL Predicitions - Week 7

My Interview with High 'n Dry Philly Phillips

NFL Predictions - Week 6

NFL Predictions - Week 5

Time to clear the air about my alleged arrest

NFL Predictions Week 4

NFL Predictions - Week 3

NFL Predictions - Week 2

Kelly Thomas / Blue Devils in the Heat

NFL Picks - Week 1

**Press Blast** High 'n Dry Philly Phillips Released from Police Custody

Tips for all you College Kids

Best of Rochester Nomination Process

Beating up Neil Jung & Crazy Hoss

Death Wheeleez @ CherneskyFest 2011

International Snack Pie Eating Championship @ CherneskyFest 2011

Watch Me Lift 1,200 pounds!

THANK YOU

State of CherneskyFest 8/8/11

Re: Foot Breakings and Festivals

PRESS RELEASE: The Great Chernesky Injures Foot Attempting New Stunt for CherneskyFest

Live Blogging the Miss Teen USA Pageant

A Pair of Thoughts

The Apple-Top Girls

My Review of "Whip It"

A Hilarious Grocery Store Exchange

The Colostomy Bag

Everybody Says 'Weezy' is the Best Rapper and is Also in Prison, but I Don't Even Know Who That Is

The Returning Accomplisher

The Great Chernesky Goes to a Craft Fair Part II: My Conversation with Dave Gunn

Rochester Craft & Zine Fair 2011 - Part 1

Foe-Tography

**PRESS BLAST** Flyer for 4/7/11 Available

Bus Jesus & Bus Mohammed

REPOST (Sort of): Fat? Ugly? High? You're Good as Gold.

Fat Tuesday

**PRESS BLAST** Flyer for 4/16/11 Available

We're Baaaaaaaaaack

Taxes

Recap

North to Freedom

**PRESS BLAST** The Great Chernesky featured in 'The Burgh' Newspaper

Super Bowl Cooking 2011

Pride

Video Responses to "Tears"

I Know it's Been a While

**PRESS BLAST** Interpretation for the Deaf Announced for 2/26 Plattsburgh Show

Tears

Francis Fails 4 Life

**PRESS BLAST** The Great Chernesky will be hosting an Art Show in Plattsburgh, NY 2/26/11

A Turn in Luck?

It's Not the Cold, It's the Humidity That Gets You

The Swears

Movie Pitch

Return of The Look

Pictures Courtesy of Darcel Downing

The Sadness

Bus Rant

You Know We Went Hunting

Bathroom Talk

The Warning Signs of Depression

To Cover Leonard Cohen, I Need to Become Leonard Cohen

NFL Predictions - Week 17

New Year. Same Deal.

**PRESS BLAST** Chernesky.org Releases a New Look for the New Year

Sickness

The Disgusted Look

NFL Predictions - Week 16

Church 101

Merry Christmas 2010

They Caught Him!

NFL Predictions - Week 15

The Wait is On

NFL Predictions - Week 14

Press Blast High 'n Dry Philly Phillips Released from Police Custody

PRESS BLAST Flyer for 4/7/11 Available

PRESS BLAST Flyer for 4/16/11 Available

PRESS BLAST The Great Chernesky featured in 'The Burgh' Newspaper

PRESS BLAST Interpretation for the Deaf Announced for 2/26 Plattsburgh Show

PRESS BLAST The Great Chernesky will be hosting an Art Show in Plattsburgh, NY 2/26/11

PRESS BLAST Chernesky.org Releases a New Look for the New Year

PRESS BLAST Hymnals Now Available for Download!

PRESS BLAST 12/17/10 Flyer

PRESS BLAST The Great Chernesky Injured while Rehearsing for Upcoming Performance